"He will say something like, well, you lose some, you lose some.
You are supposed to laugh. Exhale. Blow your nose. Flick off the lights.
Have a sense of humor, he will whisper into the black. Have a heart."
~ Lorrie Moore, "How"
You are lost in your thoughts. Nothing but the hum of electronics powered down in the room with you. Where do you go? Deeper and deeper into the closets of memories, days and times you haven't tried on in years -- isn't it time to make a donation to GoodWill and be done with it? You are lying down on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Your bed is right there -- all you need to do is climb in, tuck under, let go. All you need to do is get up and walk out, feel the late night rain on your skin. All you need to do is pinch that spot behind your ear that stings you to life. But all you actually do is lay there and think...and think...and think. You feel your heart beat steadily in your chest. You put your hand over it. You will suddenly hear that voice in your head once more, that laugh. You will hold your breath in an attempt to drown it out. Was I happy then? you will wonder and you will still not know the answer to this question you've asked a hundred times. It's been so many years, anyway, so what's the difference? Happy or not, you've continued to be, your cells continuing to grow, your body a factory of blood and saliva and fat and muscle and bone -- you are used to standing in front of the mirror and practicing your smile for when you must see the world. But is it really practice? And is it really a smile? Is what you're practicing to be human? You think so. You tell yourself as much. You leave your hand on your heart while your other hand explores your face, feeling all the contours and imperfections and you feel suddenly in awe of all that makes you an animal that has evolved in just this way. Does a house cat care about how others see it? Does a raccoon reflect on his choices? Does a mosquito wonder why it's here?
You close your eyes.
What's the best use of a moment, anyway? What's the best use of a life? What's the best use of a love? What's the best use of memories? No one seems to know, least of all you. That thought makes you laugh, just a little, a rumble of noise to break up the electronic quiet. You sit straight up and open your eyes.
You lose some, you lose some.
It's become a motto for you since that night, the last you spent with that particular love, here in this very room, curled in this very bed. It had been doomed from the start, anyway. But for you, all love is. What made this one different was the certainty of that phrase -- You lose some, you lose some. There's nothing to win, anyway. Not before that night and not after. Your cells continue to cycle through, your brain continues to think and think. Your body gets you up in the morning and pushes you through your day and reminds you to sleep every night. You feel what you feel but what's the difference? You still have to pay your rent and drink plenty of water. You still have to participate. Your broken heart will still pump blood.
You get up and slide under the covers. You close your eyes once more. You ask your brain to quiet down. What it does, though, is start to play a quiet song you used to dance to. You smile. You warm. You know there's plenty to be gained. Especially now when it's time to go to sleep.
Included in Say You'll Love Me and Other One Acts by Sarah Wolf
Published by Wolfstar Press in 2020, collection available in paperback and for Kindle
