Forward to The Daily Writing Rewind 2023 - Director's Cut

FORWARD

This is a collection of messy imperfections.  Everything in this book was written sometime between January 1 and December 31, 2023.  Everything is a first draft.  When I sit down to write every single day (a practice I’ve committed to since January 1, 2011), sometimes I only have five minutes, sometimes I have the entire day.  Some days the content is stronger than others.  My goal isn’t to write perfectly or commercially every single day – it’s to write something every single day.  This collection is the Daily Writing Rewind Director’s Cut, so to speak, of the 2023 project, my selections of the best somethings I wrote all year.  

A note about the title: The Daily Writing Rewind is called as such because this daily writing project paid homage to the twelve previous themes that carried me through each year:

JANUARY - 2011 - the original blog where I vowed to write something every day.

FEBRUARY - 2012 - the all-fiction blog where my friends wrote all of the stories’ first lines.

MARCH - 2013 - the “triple play” where friends gave me any three “things” and I had to incorporate them into a piece of writing.

APRIL - 2014 - the “choose-your-own adventure” blog where I’d write a piece of a story and friends would vote on what happened next.

MAY - 2015 - the all-music blog where friends suggested the songs that inspired each day’s writing.

JUNE - 2016 - the “ABC’s” where each day was themed by a letter and friends gave me words that began with that letter.

JULY - 2017 - this “inspired” theme asked friends for quotes or sayings that motivated them.

AUGUST - 2018 - friends wrote the blog titles and I took it from there.

SEPTEMBER - 2019 - this “today’s special” theme emphasized what made that day stand out.

OCTOBER - 2020 - here, friends supplied images to inspire the daily writing.

NOVEMBER - 2021 - for this “anything goes” theme, I asked friends to send me reader questions to inspire posts (and just wrote whatever I wanted on the days with no reader questions).

DECEMBER - 2022 - in the final month, I “wrote for me,” determining on my own what I wanted to write about every day.

In this Director’s Cut version of the Daily Writing Rewind, I am opting to group things by genre: fiction, creative nonfiction, nonfiction, and poetry.  Each piece will have a date at the end so you will know when it was written.  I am also opting to put things in order by genre.  That doesn’t necessarily create a chronology of my year, but in some instances (especially in the nonfiction section), earlier posts may reference a later post and so it seemed simplest to order the contents in this way.

All short stories, essays, poems, and the longer choose-your-own-adventure story are unedited from what was originally shared on the blog.  The only exceptions are where I removed video or audio links (obviously not conducive to a paperback book) and in more rare instances where I removed photos.  This is a little bit of “inside baseball,” but some of the pictures shared in the actual Daily Writing Rewind blog were added to give each post a thumbnail image.  In the spots where the images weren’t necessary, I took them out.  There were also a few spots where spell or grammar check suggested changes that are now applied in this Director’s Cut version.

That said, there are probably other type-os, spelling errors, grammar errors, and other kinds of errors.  If that sort of thing really bothers you, I’m sorry, but I won’t refund your money.  The messy contents of this book aren’t edited by an outsider – they’re barely edited by me!  I suppose I could devote a ton of time and even money into going through such an editorial process – but the beauty of a project like this is what emerges without edits.  It’s all raw data, my literal thought process or what words came to me and then became part of the piece I was writing.

Writing is a spiritual practice to me.  It brings me joy.  It energizes me.  It gives shape to my experiences and frames (or reframes) my feelings.  A psychic once told me that writing would never “make me rich,” but she said I should stick with it because “it was great therapy for me.”  That was 2013, before my writing became as personal and vulnerable as it’s become in more recent years, so at the time I thought that was both disappointing and confusing advice.

It proved to be dead-on accurate, though.

So, without further adieu and with an immense amount of gratitude for your support of this project, here is the Director’s Cut of the Daily Writing Rewind 2023.  

_______________

Purchase your paperback copy of The Daily Writing Rewind 2023 - Director's Cut here.

If you want to purchase a PDF version of the book, please Venmo a suggested donation of $10 to @sarahwolfstar.

Love is Loss: A Baseball Fan's Lament

 From the archives of October 2004:

During a first round game of this year's playoffs between the Angels and the Red Sox, I sat at a bar in Cambridge and tried to explain the facts of baseball life to my friend Max. I told him that being a true baseball fan was sort of like being in a really, really bad relationship, one where you knew that nothing good could ever come of it, that you'd end up dispirited, defeated, deflated, disparaged. Oh, the love is there, all right, but, as the song says, sometimes love just ain't enough. You know what sort of pain you're setting yourself up for, but, regardless of all your attempts to make it work, you will be lost, bitter, hard, and increasingly cynical. You will vow never to let yourself get sucked in again. Then a few months will go by and, before you know it, it's spring training, and all the sleepless nights, the inability to speak your team's name without choking up, the tears, the agony, the knowledge that you gave your heart freely only to have it ripped from your chest and thrown into a fiery pit will somehow seem less dramatic and you'll remember the good times, the big wins, the nights of laughter and toasting, the shared dreams of a happy future, hope for another post season, the inevitable tug of "this is the year," and the cycle will begin all over again.

Max was a new baseball fan, though, which meant he was skeptical of my analogy. But as this post season started to hold a tighter and tighter grip around his sanity, his and all of Boston's, really, he began to understand exactly what I meant.

This is not my first year in the clutches of October Fever. I am a seasoned baseball fan, one who's watched her team suffer heart breaking injuries, losses, late-inning slip-up, pitching catastrophes, errors heard 'round the world, batters doing nothing but whiff wood through empty air, moronic managers, scapegoats, and careless umpires. I grew up in the Cleveland area, so I know the full-range a franchise can showcase. At one point, the Indians were such an awful team, Hollywood made a film about it that included lines like, "Here in Cleveland? I didn't know they still had a team!" Of course, there was a resurgence of power for about six or seven years in the mid-to-late 90's that rallied the city together to chant in one voice, "Goooo Tribe!" With the construction of Jacob's Field in 1994, the people of Cleveland came to the House that Dick Built with a necessary fever of baseball enthusiasm. The team was a roster full of spark plug youngsters, like Manny Ramirez, Carlos Baerga, Albert Belle, and Sandy Alomar Jr., and seasoned veterans like Eddie Murry, Dennis Martinez, and Orel Hersheiser. Jacob's Field was a sold out arena for a record-breaking straight 455 games from 1995-2001, and the team's five consecutive Central Division Championship titles from 1995-1999 and two ALCS Championship titles, one in 1995 and one in 1997, strengthened Cleveland's spirit. The Browns had left the city without its beloved NFL team from 1996 to 1998 and when the Cavaliers left the Coliseum to play in the Gund Arena, Cleveland basketball was considered to be a corporate ticket. But baseball, baseball united the city.

I'd been going to games at Cleveland Stadium with my family ever since I was a little girl, although I didn't start out loving the sport. As my brother Josh recently reminded me, I used to attend Tribe games decked out in a huge straw hat that I wore so I could duck my head and read a book. It wasn't until I was in high school that I began to let baseball into my blood, to cloud up my judgment, and, in general, usurp my soul. When the Indians lost in six games to the Braves in the 1995 World Series, I cursed Chipper Jones' sneaky .400 on base percentage, Tom Glavine's MVP pitching performance. When they lost to the Marlins in the 1997 World Series, I raged when Jose Mesa allowed the game to go into extra innings and lamented the fact that Charlie Nagy was pinned with the eventual loss. And the most depressed I've ever been in my life was following the devastating first round of the post season in 1999 when my guys were up two games over the Red Sox only to have the boys from Boston take the next three, including one game where the Sox spanked the Tribe 21-7. Oh, the football score. It still shivers my timbers.

After years of watching the team rise and fall and rise again, only to fall again, of spending summers glued to the television or the radio, rarely missing a pitch, of sitting in seats all over the Jake, I am proud to say that I am a Cleveland Indians fan. To the core.

Two years ago, I moved from Cleveland to Boston and have endured the snide comments about my Jim Thome bobblehead doll, the odd looks when I walk down the street with my Chief Wahoo-plastered travel mug, the eye-rolling from friends when I sport my Indians t-shirt. At the Logan security checkpoint one Christmas, I even had an airport personnel point at my Indians winter hat and say, "Really?" I simply shrugged and said, "They're not a good team, but they're my team." True baseball fans know what I mean. Loving your team means putting up with taunts, jeers, pointing, heckling.

But baseball fans the world around know this, also: if you can't be with the team you love, you better hope you get to be with the Red Sox. Because, despite their effect on my mental health in October '99, the Sox are a team to be respected, not only because they are perennially fierce competition, but also because they are stuck in the Eastern Division. The crummy East. Unless you like pin stripes, ain't nothin' to love about your team being in the AL East. I mean, the Indians grew from an underdog position to reign over the likes of the Tigers, the Royals, and the Twins, but, c'mon, beating the Motor City Kitties isn't exactly a David and Goliath situation. The Western and Central Divisions are up-for-grabs every year because payrolls are fairly even which means each organization can afford the same level of talent. They put together teams that may be lacking in some respects, but the goal is to find equilibrium both in the clubhouse and on the field. Outside of the Indians' five-year dominance in the Central, no recent team has been a guaranteed division victor until late in the season. In the West, especially, fans up and down the coast have no idea who will dominate from year to year. And with the MLB's decision to emphasize divisional play, fans gear up for the games between rivals, games that will offer a crucial two-game swing in the standings.

No one knows this better than the Red Sox. Those poor, cursed bastards locked in more head-to-head combat with the Yankees than seems fair. Oh the Red Sox. They have to play catch-up all season and it's a game they simply cannot win. Because the Yankees aren't just any team. They are both God's Chosen Ones and the Evil Empire, the ideal and the bizarro-world version of a baseball team. George Steinbrenner simply has more money than anyone else invested in the sport so he can build the baseball master race, put a potential gold glove at every position, even lure one of the best short stops in the game to come play third base simply by showing him his very own pin striped jersey. No argument: the Yankees didn't need Alex Rodriguez on the team. Derek Jeter is an elite short stop, not to mention one of the prettiest jewels on the Yankee crown, so the acquisition of A-Rod cannot be taken seriously. Why sign A-Rod? Eh, why not? That's the attitude of the uber-team.

But it's not Alex Rodriguez' fault. It's not any of the Yankees' fault that they are The Team To Beat every year. No one can argue with the seven straight divisional titles, not to mention the thirty-nine ALCS victories and the twenty-six World Series rings since the inception of the American League in 1901. Despite numerous Bostonians roaming around wearing "Yankees Suck" t-shirts, the Yankees do not suck. Or, rather, the mechanics of their team do not suck. They have a lineup of seasoned hitters, a solid rotation, and one of the best closers in the history of the game. No, the Yankees do not suck. The fact that they have such a high salary capacity sucks. The fact that everything about them spells unfair advantages to the rest of baseball sucks. But that's not the Yankees' fault. They aren't breaking any rules. They're making the system work for them. Hey, if George Steinbrenner owned your team, wouldn't you think the never-ending string of Cy Young-caliber pitchers and Babe Ruth-like sluggers were just what your team, your city deserved? Of course you would.

As it stands now, you're either a Yankee fan or you're not. If you're not, you are, like Max and me and millions of others, guaranteed to suffer for your sport. And if you are a Yankee fan, you're not a baseball fan. If we go back to my original relationship analogy, I would contend that if your love has never been challenged, you're not really in love. It's not until you fear the worst that you can see the best. And while that may seem cliché, it's simply fact. Prior to this year's history-making pennant-race meltdown, the worst that's happened to Yankeefan over the last ten years is the three times they failed to advance in the post season all the way to the ALCS. Boo hoo.

What about the Red Sox? The last time they won the East was in 1990. Since then, they've had to battle their way into the post season five times as the wild card and have scratched their way to the ALCS three times. What fans have it harder than the Red Sox? And over the last few years that I've lived in Boston, nothing, not two Pats' Super Bowl victories, not Bruins playoff runs, not free Shakespeare on the Common, nor the Democratic National Convention has brought this city to life like a Red Sox post season. It's all anyone talks about in October. And, up until this year, it's always ended the same -- the run has come down to a face off with the dreaded Yankees with the same result: the Sox come up short while the Yankees steam roll through with the players' faces frozen in a bored grimace. Then what do the Sox fans do? They brace themselves for the wicked New England winter and vow that next year will be different.

Meanwhile, Yankeefan, who has expected this outcome from the beginning of the season, simply turns its attention to the World Series. The rest of the baseball world hibernates. Because who cares who wins the World Series? The fact that the Yankees are there, yet again, is a turn off. I would go as far as to say that ALCS games between Boston and New York are more anticipated, more watched than the World Series because what's exciting about the same old team representing the American League? Nothing. Last year, I remember the networks pulling for a Red Sox/Cubs match-up in the World Series and when neither underdog team advanced past their league series, it was a severe disappointment to everyone outside of the Yankees and Marlins organizations. Who even won? I'm sure I didn't watch a single game.

Of course, this year, things ended quite differently. Not only did the Red Sox de-throne the almighty Yankees, they did it with a dramatic flair. With the Sox down three games to none, they did the unthinkable: the won four in a row to become the first baseball team in the history of the game ever to do so and won the American League pennant in the process. Oh, and they also capped off this comeback during a road trip to the Bronx.

During Game 7, I was in a bar in Boston's South End listening to a few guys heckle Johnny Damon. Damon was having one of the worst offensive series in his career, hitting less than .100, true, but his defense had been spot-on and he was a player who deserved fan loyalty and support. His numbers during the regular season were more than solid. Boasting a .304 batting average and a .380 on base percentage, not to mention his 20 home runs and 94 RBIs, Damon's struggles in the ALCS were simply out of character. But these guys, well, they were groaning about Damon being up to bat with the bases loaded. "Just who we want in there!" one of them jeered. Finally, I swiveled around to face them and said, "Ya'll need to have some love in your heart for Johnny. He's having a rough time right now, but he's a great player and should lay off." The words were barely out of my mouth before Damon hit the first pitch he saw over the right field wall at Yankee Stadium. Gettysburg Address. Four score.

The Sox were already on top, thanks to a David Ortiz home run in the first inning, but Damon's grand slam in the second and two-run homer in the fourth were more than good enough to get immediate apologies from the guys at the bar and prove to everyone that clutch plays can come from anywhere, slumps can be snapped, good players will rise to the occasion.

Clearly, the 2004 Red Sox clubhouse is full of clutch players. Curt Schilling's performance in Game 6 was beyond inspiring. Tim Wakefield's "What's good for the team..." mentality should be highlighted in all youth sports. And as my brother said last Monday after Big Papi kept his team alive for the second game in a row, "So is David Ortiz just going to be the new mayor of Boston or what?" Well, the new ALCS MVP, for sure!

There was a moment during Game 4 at Fenway that defined the entire series for me, a moment where I decided it didn't matter what happened because, regardless of the final score, I knew the Sox and their fans were the scrappiest sons of bitches who'd ever enjoyed the game. In the third inning, Alex Rodriguez hit a two-run home run off Derek Lowe that sailed over the Green Monster and out onto Landsdowne Street. Before he'd even run all the way around the bases, a fan outside Fenway flung the ball back over the wall with enough force to land it right by Johnny Damon in center field. Damon took one look at that ball and chucked it back out onto the street. And just as quickly, a fan returned the favor. Finally, an umpire went over and pocketed the ball. Because that, ladies and gents, could've gone on all night, and it probably would have without interference from the officials. Nothing says defiance like the Red Sox. The team, the fans, they didn't care the Yankees were close to sealing the deal with another ALCS victory. They didn't care about stats or scoreboard. They cared about getting rid of that home run ball. Don't leave it on my front porch. Don't leave it outside my door. We won't have it. Not any of it. We won't take that crap, not here in Boston.

That's the attitude that won the Red Sox their first American League pennant in eighteen years and earned them a spot in sports history. That's the attitude that should make baseball fans all over the world redefine what it means to believe.

 

Recently, I pulled out an old tape of a game from August 2001 where the Indians overcame a 12-0 deficit against the Mariners to win in 11 innings. 2001 was the year where the Mariners temporarily stole the Yankees' thunder as The Greatest Team in Baseball because of their amazing 116-45 record, the power of their small-ball game strategy, and a bullpen that seemed impenetrable. And while the Mariners were on their way up, the Indians were on a fast descent. Even though they had some powerful bats in the lineup and the best double-play combination in the game with gold glovers Roberto Alomar at second base and Omar Vizquel at short stop, the pitching staff was full of holes. Maybe that's because then-manager Charlie Manuel was most successful in his major league career as the Indians' hitting coach, not as a guy who understood how to use pitcher most effectively or maybe it was because the staff consisted of tiring pitchers like Chuck Finley, Charlie Nagy, and Dave Burba and relative greenies like C.C. Sabathia and Bartolo Colon, but it was fair to say that the Tribe's precarious season could be visually represented by the jerky motions of reliever John Rocker.

But that day in August 2001 lives in my memory as the game to which all other games should be compared. By the third inning, the Mariners were pile driving the Tribe 12-0 -- and they were doing it at the Jake. By the time the remaining fans stood to sing, "Take me out to the ball game," the score was 14-2. But then something happened. Little by little the Indians chipped away at the Mariners' shatterproof lead until Omar Vizquel hit a two-out, 3-2 count triple off Kazuhiro Sasaki down the right field baseline and into the corner. The loaded bases cleared and the game was tied.

Whodathunkit?

That goes to show that no game is over until the last out because the Indians, the same team the ESPN commentators had chuckled over during the entire broadcast, the same franchise that inspired the film Major League, had scored five runs in the 9th inning. Oh, and they scored all five of those runs with two out.

When I re-watched that game, I decided it is these sorts of inspirational stories that make loving the game so worthwhile. The Red Sox' unbelievable come-from-behind victory in four straight games against the Evil Empire is even more of a reason to remain committed to the sport. These glorious moments are what make our hearts surge, our bodies shake, our mouths go dry. We cheer because we love. We boo because we love. We bear witness because we love. And even if our love comes up short "this" year, there will be "next" year. Miracles really can happen. Heroes can emerge. The impenetrable can be penetrated. And fans across the country have clung with equal abandon to their team's success and failures.

Now. Yankeefan. You've just been handed the worse loss in baseball history, the curse has been reversed, and it happened in your house. Right now, you're hurt. You feel betrayed. You are stunned. These are all new feelings for you, I know, but don't worry. Daddy Steinbrenner will go out and buy baby a shiny new pitching staff in the off-season, maybe a few new pretty faces for the outfield. Whatever baby wants. Daddy can buy back your love.

Has the Evil Empire been destroyed? I'd like to say yes, but I have to say no. Next year the American League East will still be the same bitch of a division it always has been. But maybe the Yankees won't step onto the playing field with the same smugness, the same lip-glossed pout, the same bored predetermination that they are The Team to Beat.

But, then again, they are the Yankees. It'll take more than this year's humiliation to destroy that team. And in the meantime, Yankeefan will go through the post-season withdrawal so well known by the rest of us and come back next year as obnoxious as ever. So, Yankeefan, let me say this: you don't know what you're cheering for. You don't know what it means to win. You've picked an easy team to lust after, a sure thing. Do yourself a favor and become a Twins fan for a season or a Mets fan, for the love of God. And until you do that, until you expose your heart to the real thing, don't you dare try to say you love baseball. Because you don't. You don't know what love is if you're not grown-up enough to make yourself vulnerable. But my guess, Yankeefan, is you're not mature enough to know how right I am. The rest of the baseball fans around you know I'm right, though. And we feel sorry for you, we lament your flashy sets of World Series rings, your team's God-blessed success. Red Sox fans, Indians fans know what you don't: you learn more often through failures, through heartbreak, through hard times, which, I guess, gives the average Yankeefan an emotional baseball IQ of about a two-year-old. None of your wins, none of your rings will ever mean as much to you as this series has meant to the Red Sox. Cradle your ignorance, if you must, but you're missing the entire point of love.

Make It Last Forever

 I sit on the steps

outside your apartment,

rage spinning up

my spine.

You are somewhere

down the road,

off in the distance,

anywhere except where

you are supposed to be.

Here.  I stare

at my phone as each

of your messages

ping in.  I'm sorry.

I'm coming.  I'll be there

in five.  Fifteen minutes,

twenty, thirty go by

before I finally see you,

hulking down the sidewalk,

telltale imbalance in your gait.

You're drunk and I'm livid.

What else is new.

You turn up the walk

leading to your door

and you shrug affably,

I'm an asshole dribbling

out of your mouth.  

My jaw sets, my eyes narrow,

disgust flooding my veins.

You wrap me in the limpest

hug of our tenure and you stumble

past me to your door, your keys

fumbling in the lock. Why

didn't I just leave, my brain

scolds while you drunkenly

serve me a drink.  I stayed

because of my mission.

I stayed because I had 

something significant to say.

Staring now at your soft-

focused eyes, I know

you have won this round

of chess.  You have spiked

your brain with poison

just to ensure such victory.

All of this before seven pm on a Sunday.

How can I end it

with someone who'll never

even remember it began?

My cells vibrate just looking at you

and nearly explode 

when you feebly ask me, Didn't

you have something you wanted

to talk about?  You know better

and that's what's the most

infuriating.  You got drunk

before seven pm on a Sunday

simply to avoid the inevitable.

I fold my arms across my chest,

my lips flatlined.  My soul

equally flustered and crushed.

We'll have to talk about it

another time, I say with a gravely

kick.  I down my drink.

And I say goodbye.

Not goodbye forever, just

goodbye for now.  You watch

me go, knowing that this

is a framework you can

live with.  Because

two days later, you'll apologize,

you'll be sober, you'll be clear

in heart and mind.  You'll convince me

to do a re-do and before I can say

what I intend to say, you will place

your hands gently on my arms,

you will look me kindly and lovingly

in the eye and you will say, Look,

I'm going to love you for the rest 

of my life, and I will believe you.

The trouble is, I always believe you.

Drunk and spiraling forever more.

Two Artists, Diverged

  "Two Artists, Diverged"

"Through discipline comes freedom."
- Aristotle

I.

Early on,
it was you

who attached yourself

to my coattails,

asking me earnestly,

how do you do

what you do?

I blinked 

at your curiosity,

wondering what you saw

in me that I simply

could not.  You,

the one with the platform,

the stage, the spotlight,

while all I did was scribble

in the dark.

II.

Later, we'd learn

to balance, our art

leaning lovingly

up against each other.

You learned 

to speak my language

and I learned

to speak yours.  

So fluent were we

that our sheer speed

would confound

any audience

we mustered.

What are you two?

they'd mutter

as they wandered,

confused, away.

III.

I learned 

who I was

by going through

the death of us.

IV.

A psychic

once told me

I'd never become

a world-renowned

writer, but she said,

instead, that my writing

would be therapeutic. 

Daily, I scribble

into the ether

each and every thought

that pings my brain

and what awakens me

the most is what I've learned

from you.  Each day, 

I sit down, I dedicate minutes

and hours to the plunking

of words onto the page

and even though they're not

all about you, so many

are derived from the discoveries

I've made through my drive

to overcome, to stand up,

to set my heart free

from any cage 

of my own creation.

Without this daily practice,

where would I be?

Who would have ever uncovered

all of these strange mysteries?

V.

My art still leans lovingly

up against the memory

of yours, my patience

an everlasting grace.

Especially on days

like today when everything

before me is a reflecting pool,

ripples expanding

in only refreshing ways,

I think of you with love.

Now well into this afterlife,

my soul can't help

but evolve at a rapid

pace.  And I wonder

what discipline, if any,

you've thought to embrace --

This poem was originally written July 18, 2023 for the Daily Writing Rewind project.

Evelyn in April

Her name was Evelyn Jarrett and she had no business giving advice.  She was, in fact, hiding under the covers trying to overcome her "Sunday Scaries," even though it was only Saturday.  For the last three years, she'd worked as a Communications Assistant -- though recently had gotten the title bump to Communications Administrator, a title Leah Monroe, her direct supervisor, presented to her at her annual review, her new business cards already made up.  The title bump came with a raise, but it was the standard 3% she'd gotten ever year prior.  "Thought you'd outgrown the assistant part," Leah had offered with a wink, as if she'd done her the biggest favor on the planet.  Evelyn had forced her lips into a smile.  "Wow, thank you," she said a little too brightly as she accepted the business cards and waited for the meeting to be over.

But, even so, she was the sort of employee who showed up like clockwork, always on time, always with a smile blistered across her face, always a lightness in her voice.  If anyone had ever bothered to look her in the eye, though, then they'd know.  Eyes, they reveal things that no human can hide, especially when they are as empathetic as Evelyn Jarrett, who was still, in fact, buried under her covers.

Before this job, she'd worked most retail and restaurant gigs.  The R&R's, she called them.  Sometimes she worked retail and then went straight to her waitressing gig, or vice versa.  She enjoyed being around people and she liked thinking on her feet -- and because she was good in the R&R environment, people too often came to her for advice.  Career advice, love advice, family advice, neighbor advice, practical advice about things like should I just use Turbo Tax or get an accountant or what's the best natural product to get a wine stain out of a sweater.  People told her things, deeply personal things, that she had no business knowing and before she could even fully appreciate just how intimately this stranger before her had shared about their situation, they were already looking at her expectedly, waiting for her to weigh in.

So she'd weigh in.

God knows how many life decisions were made because she happened into the pathway of someone at a crossroads.

One of those people at a crossroads was her supervisor's boss, Rosa Collins.  Rosa owned a small publishing company that produced things like hyper-local tour guide books or neighborhood histories -- projects that had grown out of a community-centric nonprofit  called Three Doors that her husband Adam founded nineteen years prior.  Rosa was only thirteen when Three Doors first opened and, because her father served on the board, she'd volunteered there as a high school student.  Adam was one of those "lifer" bachelors but by the time Rosa was old enough to be hired as an entry-level Project Specialist, that tune soon changed and they were married.  A dream team, some called them as Rosa split away from Three Doors to open Clear Windows Publishing.  

Evelyn just so happened to be Rosa's waitress the day Clear Windows secured its seed funding and she had joined this stranger in her celebratory mood, as she was wont to do.  Rosa had seemed so happy and confident, especially in the light of this professional milestone, so Evelyn was shocked when she came to drop the check and Rosa asked her to sit down.  She was alone at the table at the moment and there was something compelling about her, so Evelyn sat down.

"What did you want to be when you were a kid?  I mean, what answer did you give when people asked you that question?  Because I always told people I wanted to be a clown," Rosa said.

Evelyn smiled wryly.  "It's never too late," she offered breezily.

Rosa chuckled.  "Sure sure," she said.  "But what about you?  What was your answer?"

Evelyn barely hesitated.  "A writer," she said.

Rosa raised an eyebrow.  "Really," she said.  

Evelyn nodded.  "Really."

"How'd you like a job?" Rosa asked, folding her arms across her chest.

Evelyn eyed her.  "What kind of job?" she asked.

"The writer-kind," Rosa said simply.

That was how Evelyn ended up leaving the world of R&R and moving to her dream job world of writing.  Except her title was Communications Assistant-slash-Administrator, and it was not at all what she'd thought it would be when Rosa had first pitched her the idea.

But even so, she wasn't about to quit.  She'd barely even entertained the idea of leaving.  She even normalized the Sunday Scaries that kept her captive under her covers a full forty-eight hours before they needed to.  Because the thing is?  This job gave her something to focus on that felt manageable.

Not everything in her life was.

Breathing into her comforter, she winced as a familiar custom-ringtone sounded off.  The only thing she'd been dreading more than getting up for work on Monday was getting this particular call.

She fumbled for her cell phone and pulled it under the covers with her.  "Hey," she said, trying to sound relaxed.

"Are you hiding in your bed right now?" the concerned voice of her best friend Valerie piped through.

Evelyn tensed.  "No," she lied.

"I'm one block away," Valerie said.  "Be outside when I get there."

Evelyn sat up, staring at phone and the now disconnected call.  She wanted to be able to offer and excuse but she there was no time for that.  Valerie simply knew her too well -- and she knew that she'd be outside waiting for her, just as requested.

Evelyn got out of bed, swapped her pajama pants for yoga pants and left the sweatshirt she'd slept in on as she spent all of thirteen seconds brushing her teeth and another thirty seconds peeing before clambering down the hallway to look out her front window.

Sure enough, Valerie was there, her head hanging out the open window as she laid on the horn.  "C'mon, Ev," she yelled loud enough for Evelyn -- and Evelyn's neighbors -- to hear her.

"God, she can be so embarrassing," Evelyn muttered as she shoved her bare feet into a pair of TOMS and all but stomped down the hall, down the stairs, and outside, with the hurried hope that Valerie wouldn't lay on the horn again.

With her arms folded defensively across her chest, Evelyn continued to stomp over to the curb where Valerie was parked.

"Hey, girl," Valerie said, suddenly chipper.  "Get in," she added.

Evelyn shook her head.  "I'm not ready," she said.

Valerie swallowed hard and looked back at her steering wheel for a minute. Taking a deep breath, she swung her gaze back over.  "You are ready," she said.  "I will be with you, as much as I can be with you."

Evelyn swayed, a nervous swirl flooding her gut.  "I know, but..."

Valerie looked at her, insistent.  "We talked about this."

Evelyn nodded and looked away.  "I know, but..." she repeated.

"No 'buts,'" Valerie insisted.  "Get in.  I left my kid with my mother for this.  You know she's going to try to make Rainy memorize Bible verses but this was important -- I needed to be here for you.  So, we're going."

Evelyn smiled despite herself, imagining Valerie's mother Augusta sitting four-year-old Rainy down to make her sing Bible verses to the tune of things like "On Top of Old Smokey" or "Three Blind Mice."  She'd done the same thing to her when she and Valerie first became friends in the seventh grade.  "Mom, you're being weird," Valerie had said as her mother made Evelyn sit next to her on the piano bench to sing with her.  "Makes it easier to remember the word of our Lord," Augusta had lilted in return.

"Come on, Ev, get in," Valerie repeated, pulling Evelyn out of her memory.

She nodded.  "OK," she conceded, walking around to the passenger's side and doing as she was told. Valerie's car smelled like cigarettes and orange blossoms and nothing made Evelyn feel more safe, especially with Valerie in the literal driver's seat, empowering her to do even this thing she'd been dreading to do.

Valerie reached over and put a comforting hand on Evelyn's arm.  Instinctively, Evelyn wrapped her free hand's fingers around her friend's.  

"Ready or not," Valerie said her eyes locked on Evelyn's.

"Ready or not," Evelyn said, her heart beating in her throat.

Valerie drove with the confidence of a school bus driver during a blizzard -- certain none of the kids charged to her care would feel nervous or unsafe with her behind the wheel.  Evelyn glanced sidelong at her as they made their way through town, the sounds of Top 40s radio offsetting their unusual quiet.  In all of the time they'd been friends, this was always their dynamic: Valeria was alpha, Evelyn did what she was told, but never in a diminishing way.  Evelyn needed the stability and the decisiveness that Valerie brought into her life.  She was thankful for it every day.

That's what she focused on as they drove, her gratitude and love and appreciation for this friendship.  Evelyn knew that Valerie always had her back, no matter what, even on days like today when she had to push her into action.

As they approached their destination, though, Evelyn watched Valerie's fingers curl tighter around the steering wheel as her jaw tightened.  It made Evelyn's eyes dart straight ahead, out onto the road, ready to focus on anything by the nerves now percolating in the car.

Valerie found a parking spot across the street from Moe's Diner -- you have arrived, the unused GPS whispered through the universe -- and she turned off the car.  Her hands now resting in her lap, she turned to Evelyn and raised an eyebrow.

"Does he have any idea we're coming?" she asked.

Evelyn swallowed hard and shook her head.  "Why'd you let me wear this?" she asked, suddenly acutely aware that she looked like she'd just rolled out of bed.

Valeria shook her head like a pitcher refusing a pitch call.  "If you went back in, there'd be no coming back out," she said.  

Evelyn couldn't help but chuckle.  This was maybe the fourth attempt at this particular errand, the previous incursions all thrown off by wardrobe malfunctions or lost house keys or an annoying text from her boss.

Valerie reached over and put her hand on Evelyn's arm.  "It will be OK," she said.

Evelyn nodded.  "Thanks for being here," she said.

"Let's go," Valerie said, opening her door while Evelyn did the same.

On the sidewalk outside the diner, they linked arms, creating this social force field that created a sense of invincibility.  Walking in perfect step, they marched up to the glass doors and went in.  One of the long time waitstaff, a forever-exhausted-looking woman named Meg, was leaning on the hostess station.  She brightened when she saw who it was.

"Well if it isn't Frick and Frack," Meg said, swatting at them with plastic menus.

"Hey Meg," Valerie and Evelyn replied in perfect unison.

"Booth or bar?" Meg asked.

"Booth," Evelyn said before Valerie could reply.

"Right this way," Meg said while Valerie shot Evelyn a sharp look.

As they slid into their seats, Meg dropped the menus and headed away, a "I'll bring coffee," trailing behind her.

Evelyn immediately picked up the menu and started reading it as if she had no idea what it contained.  Valerie flicked the back of it and caught her friend's eye.  

"A booth?" she said.

Evelyn shrugged weakly.  "Matty's probably working the bar," she said.

"Exactly," Valerie hissed. 

Evelyn shrugged again.  "He'll see us just as fast sitting over here," she said as Meg returned with two cups of coffee.

"You're here to see Matty?" Meg asked, her voice dropping.  "His new girlfriend's on the bar with him today," she added before starting to walk away.  Pausing, she spun back and said in an even lower voice, "She sucks compared to you, though, Ev," before heading off to seat some patrons who'd just walked in.

Evelyn stared into her coffee cup while Valerie reached over and held firm onto her hand.  "He sucks, too," she said.  Evelyn nodded miserably.  "Everything about this sucks," she said.  

It was at that moment that she glanced over at the bar and realized that a pair of ice-blue eyes were already fixed on her.  

"We've been spotted," Evelyn muttered to Valerie who followed her gaze.

"Good," Valerie said softly.  "He can't run and he can't hide."

Before Evelyn could even process what she was doing, she was on her feet and over at the bar, almost as if those eyes had turned into magnets that pulled her to them.  

"Didn't expect to see you in her again so soon," Matty said, his voice soft.

Evelyn bit her lip.  "Can we talk?  We really need to talk," she said.

Matty sighed.  "I think we've talked ourselves out," he said.

Evelyn shook her head defiantly.  "No, this is...  This is about something different than our...  Than our... Then the fact that we..."

"She's not here to rehash your breakup, Matty," Valerie said, materializing beside her.

Matty eyed Valerie for a moment before fixing his gaze back on Evelyn. 

"I'm not here to rehash our breakup," Evelyn confirmed.

Matty looked down at the floor and sighed. "OK, sure, what's on your mind?"

Evelyn glanced sidelong at Valerie who nodded at her with encouragement.  "Could we maybe... talk privately?" she asked.

Matty's jaw set for a moment, an uncharacteristic revelation that he wasn't the perfectly-aligned-chakra guru he claimed to be.  "Yeah, let's go out back," he said, already turning to head through the kitchen.

Valerie squeezed Evelyn's arm.  "You've got this," she said, her eyes locking cleaning onto Evelyn's.

Evelyn inhaled deeply as if she could ingest Valerie's confidence in her.  "I've got this," she echoed as she straightened her spine and followed Matty out through the kitchen to the ally behind the building.  He was already leaning against the brick wall, his hands tapping nervously behind him.

"Dying for a cigarette?" Evelyn teased out of old habit.

Matty smiled despite himself.  "I'm 675 days smoke-free," he said.  "But, yeah, for some reason I am considering bumming a cigarette off Meg."

Evelyn chuckled, folding her arms across her chest as she assessed him.  He was, by all means, an average-looking twenty-something white dude from Long Beach who somehow ended up in Lakewood five years ago on a tennis scholarship to Cleveland State.  Evelyn had met him when he came into Moe's Diner where she was working part time as a waitress during breakfast and lunch shifts.  She was seven years older than him but he somehow carved his way into her heart as an authority figure, someone who just knew best, and she'd fallen in love without trying.  The yoga pants she had on today?  They were the result of her adoration for Matty and his desire to embrace wellness.  They'd started a 200-hour yoga teacher training together, though she'd had to drop out when it became too much to balance with her work at Clear Windows.  Matty had finished the certification, though, and when he wasn't behind the bar at Moe's, he was managing the studio where they'd done the training.  The studio's name -- Revive -- was printed along one side of her yoga pants.  Standing there, she wondered if he even noticed -- she wondered if he thought she was about to have "one of her outbursts," as he had taken to saying -- she wondered if he pitied her.

"So, what's up?" he asked, his eyes thoughtfully searching her own.

"I know you're seeing Anne," Evelyn blurted out, her cheeks immediately red.

Matty sighed again and unlocked his gaze from hers.  "Nothing happened with her until after you and I split," he said.

Evelyn felt flustered.  "No, I mean, that doesn't matter.  I...  Meg just mentioned it and so I wanted you to know that I know you've moved on."

Matty nodded slowly as he looked back at her.  "I don't want to hurt you," he said.  "But, yes, I've moved on."

"Well, the thing is, it wasn't that long ago that we broke up and..." Evelyn said, her words nearly jumbling into a collision.

Matty held up his hands.  "I thought you didn't want to rehash our break up," he said, a hint of ice in his tone.

"I...  I don't," Evelyn said, trying to collect herself.  "I just mean that it wasn't that long ago that we broke up and now that you're with someone else, this complicates things."

Matty's features flattened.  "We've been over this, Ev," he said.  "You turned down my proposal, it didn't really leave us with anywhere to go..."

"I know, but..." Evelyn sputtered.

"You are a wonderful person but we both agreed that we're not each other's person, right?  So, we had to let that kind of relationship go," Matty said.

Evelyn could still see him, down on one knee on the shores of Lake Erie at sunset, a simple diamond ring on a plain silver band.  She had never had a stronger instinct in her life than to refuse him on the spot, no matter how flowery his words.

Looking at him now, Evelyn cleared her throat and said in a loud clear voice, "I'm pregnant."  Matty's piercing blue eyes blinked twice as she repeated herself just once, even louder, "I'm pregnant."

His jaw set and re-set as she shifted from one foot to the other, almost in perfect synchronicity with him.

"How'd this happen?" he asked in an eerily quiet voice.

Evelyn let out a burst of laughter.  "Oh, god, I thought for sure the first thing you were going to ask was is it mine," she said.

Matty's eyes darkened.  "We always used protection," he went on, ignoring her.  "How'd this happen?"

Evelyn sighed and pressed a hand against her face.  "Jurassic Park," she offered with a shrug,

"What?" Matty asked.

"Nature finds a way," Evelyn said, swallowing hard and looking away from him.

"Well, this sucks," Matty said.

Evelyn looked sharply back at him.  "Yeah," she said, her insides growing cold.

"Are you planning on keeping it?" he asked, his voice clipped.

"I...  I don't know...  I mean..." Evelyn sputtered.

"You're telling me you're pregnant," Matty stated.  "Why would you tell me unless you were going to keep it?"

Evelyn felt tears spring to the corners of her eyes.  "I guess I thought you had a right to know," she said, her voice thick.  "You know, before I make any... decisions."

Matty nodded and looked at the ground.  "For the record, you could have skipped telling me," he said.

For as cruel as that statement could be, Evelyn could detect true sadness in his voice.  "I'm sorry," she said.

"Yeah?" Matty asked, still not looking at her.

"I'm sorry things didn't work out between us," she explained.  "I'm sorry we didn't want the same things.  I'm sorry you weren't able accept what I could offer.  But the thing is, I do care for you a great deal.  I... I love you," she emphasized.  

At that, Matty looked up.  "Not enough to marry me but maybe enough to have my baby?" he asked with a irony-tinged smile.

Evelyn folded her arms across her chest and heaved her shoulders up near her ears before letting out another loud sigh.  "I'm not sure I'm going to have your baby, either," she offered.

Matty shook his head.  "Yeah, OK," he said.  "Anything else?"

Evelyn froze.  "I guess not," she said after a moment.

Matty pushed off the brick wall and practically marched past her on his way back in.  "Let me know what you decide -- or don't," he said.  "That's up to you," he added at a slightly louder pitch.

"Tell me about it," she muttered, a queasy feeling filling her gut.

Evelyn followed Matty's heated footsteps back into Moe's where she spotted Valerie anxiously sitting in the booth.  She felt her speed pick up with urgency to be closer to someone she knew wasn't pissed off at her and so she slid onto the bench on the same side as Valerie so she could rest her head on her friend's shoulder.

"Went that well?" Valerie asked as she patted Evelyn's arm.

"Pretty much," Evelyn sighed.

Meg materialized in that moment with a plate of pancakes that she slid with professional grace down to the spot directly in front of Valerie.  "Anything for you, Ev?" she asked, unfazed by the clear emotional slog pouring out of the two women before her.

"French toast," Evelyn said.

"You got it," Meg said, disappearing just as quickly as she arrived.

Valerie turned Evelyn to face her.  "Remember when I had to tell Paul I was pregnant?" she asked.  "He turned white as a ghost and literally fell over.  But it was all OK eventually."

Evelyn smiled briefly at the memory.  "But you and Paul weren't broken up when you got pregnant.  You and Paul were in love when you got pregnant.  You and Paul were a united front when you got pregnant.  It's just not like that for Matty and me," she said.

Valerie wrapped her in a warm hug.  "I know, Ev," she sighed.  "It'll be OK, though, just the same, no matter what."

"Don't you want me to tell you what happened when I told him?" Evelyn asked.

Valerie raised an eyebrow.  "The first thing Matty did when he came back in here was storm out the front door, so that pretty much told me how it went.  He was pissed.  We practiced for that," she said.

Evelyn nodded miserably.  "We did," she said.  "But you know what we didn't practice?"

"What?" Valerie asked.

"We didn't practice the part where he would be pissed off that I told him without knowing if I'm going to keep the baby or not," Evelyn said.

Valerie leaned back and savagely stabbed her fork into her stack of pancakes.  "Huh," she said as her eyes narrowed.  "That part pissed him off?"

"More than me being pregnant," Evelyn confirmed.

"Wait, you're pregnant?" came a very loud and very surprised voice.

Evelyn turned slowly around to see Matty's new girlfriend Anne with an order of french toast in one hand a pot of coffee in the other.

"None of your business," Valerie said, protectively pulling Evelyn towards her.

Evelyn, though, shrugged her off.  "Yes, I'm pregnant," she confirmed.  "Hungry, too.  Are those for me?"

Anne practically threw the plate on the table.  "Anything else?" she asked icily.

"Not from you," Evelyn said lightly, picking up a fork and digging into her breakfast.

As Anne spun around and walked away, Valerie thwaped Evelyn on the shoulder.  "When did you become such a bona fide badass?" she asked, genuinely impressed.

Evelyn tilted her head thoughtfully.  "Maybe I'm already a Mama Bear," she said before going back to her breakfast.

Valerie, too, dug into her pancakes and the friends sat side by side in the booth like that until Meg brought them their check a little while later.

"So, listen, I heard some scuttlebutt around the ol' water cooler," Meg said, sliding into the booth across from them.

"Oh yeah?" Evelyn and Valerie said in almost perfect unison.

"I'm not sure of the details, but..." Meg leaned in closer so Evelyn and Valerie did the same.  "I think Anne might be knocked up," she hiss-pered.

Evelyn chortled.  "What?" she gulped.

"I saw Anne and Matty having an intense conversation and I heard pregnant come up.  Well, actually, I read Anne's lips, so..."

Evelyn waved her off.  "I can't let you think that," she said.  "Anne's not pregnant -- I am."

Meg sat up so fast she jolted the table.  "The fuck?" she yelped.

"That's how it's done," Evelyn said, suddenly feeling cheeky.

"I tell ya, give this woman her french toast and she lets loose," Valerie said, her head resting on Evelyn's shoulder.

"So, you're pregnant?" Meg asked again.  "Like, pregnant-pregnant?"

"Is there a way to be only pregnant?" Evelyn asked quizzically.

"I'm just stunned.  You and Matty didn't break up that long ago and you're already pregnant?" Meg said.

Now it was Evelyn's turn to thwap Valerie on the shoulder.  "Well, Matty didn't assume the baby wasn't his but someone in this story was bound to," she said, suddenly catching a case of the giggles.

"Wait, it's Matty's?" Meg gasped.

"That might explain why his new girlfriend is so pissed off," Valerie said, giggling now, too.

Meg leaned back in her seat and spread her hands on the table.  "When I came into work today I didn't see this comin'," she said.  "Hot damn."

"Life truly is full of surprises," Valerie said, nudging Evelyn to get up.  "I gotta go get Rainy from my mom's," she said.

Evelyn understood this as code for we gotta go before something becomes truly unhinged. "Oh, of course," she said, getting up so Valerie could slide out behind her.

"See you around, Meg," Evelyn said loudly so that all of Moe's could hear her.

"See you 'round," Meg joked with a literal wink and a wave as the two friends made their way back outside.

Standing on the sidewalk, Evelyn couldn't believe how much lighter she felt compared to how she'd felt when they'd arrived at Moe's an hour earlier.  Valerie linked arms with her and the two of them all but skipped across the street to the car.  Once they climbed in, Valerie turned to her and asked, "OK, where to next?"

Evelyn thought about it for a moment before replying, "I think I'm ready to go back home."

Valerie smiled.  "OK, let's get you home then."

Evelyn leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes while Valerie hummed loudly along with the radio.  There was something so balanced about this moment in her life, like an unnecessary weight had been lifted cleanly off her shoulders.  By the time Valerie was parked outside her apartment building, Evelyn felt like a completely brand new woman.

"Thanks for making me do that," she said, unbuckling her seat belt.

Valerie leaned over from the driver's seat and gave her a hug.  "My pleasure," she said.  "Call me later?" she added as Evelyn opened her door.

"Only if you don't call me first," she teased before heading back inside.

***

She'd lived alone in this apartment for almost exactly one year.  Before that, she'd lived off and on with Valerie's family, in between boyfriend gigs, as she like to put it.  She'd never felt confident about putting down solid roots and even when she was moved in with a boyfriend, she largely lived out of her suitcases and cardboard boxes, something her partners only sometimes realized was a bad sign.  

That all changed, though, when she and Matty really first committed to each other.  They'd started out as friends-with-benefits that had escalated to occasionally dating until about a year and a half ago when she'd lugged her last box back over to Valerie's after deciding that the boyfriend-of-the-moment wasn't who she was focused on.

It was Matty.

As she sat on the bed in Valerie's guest room, she took a deep breath and called him on the phone, something unheard of in their text-heavy communication style.  He answered, though, uncertainly, almost as if he'd never used this phone device to communicate via that specific avenue of technology.

"I moved back in with Val," was all Evelyn said.

It was enough.  Matty knew what that code meant.  He was over at Valerie's house fifteen minutes later, a place at the dinner table already set for him.

One week later, though, when Matty first started suggesting she could crash with him, that's when Evelyn's gut took over.  "I think I'm going to look for my own place," she said, really to no one but herself.  She could afford it.  She was being paid a decent salary -- certainly more than she'd been able to depend on during her waitressing and retail days -- so maybe it was time. 

"Do you want me to look at places with you?" Valerie had asked the next morning over coffee and cereal.

Evelyn's eyes were trained on dear, sweet Rainy who was running wildly around the kitchen with one of Valerie's old Barbie dolls, pretending the doll could fly.  "I think I got this," she said, only modestly certain she could do this on her own.

But do it she did and within two weeks, she signed the lease on her first solo apartment.  The day she moved in, Valerie brought over some extra kitchen stuff, like pots and pans and plates, and surveyed the minimal furniture.

"I'm really proud of you, Ev," Valerie said, kissing her friend on the cheek before continuing on to go about the business of putting the kitchen supplies away.

Evelyn swore she could hear the echo of Valerie's housewarming blessing as she made her way back inside and flopped on the couch she bought during the third week after her move-in.  She loved the couch -- it was light blue and soft, not like the stiff uncomfortable couches her parents always seemed to select for her childhood home.  Laying on the couch now, Evelyn stared at the ceiling, her hands automatically gravitating towards her lower abdomen, almost as if to add warmth for the fetus growing inside of her.  

"What are we gonna do?" she asked out loud before realizing what she'd said.  We.  Instinctively, she reached for a pillow and hugged it against her chest.  

***

Monday mornings instilled a sense of dread and panic in Evelyn.  Something about putting on "business-casual" clothing and feeling tethered to her Outlook calendar just made her feel a little bit more dead inside every day -- Mondays being the worst because there were two whole days where she didn't even have to brush her hair if she didn't want to.  Once the work week started, though, she felt restricted and controlled, like her life had been sold to this corporation in exchange for a salary and benefits.  It was a nice salary and pleasing benefits, but she sometimes wondered if the stability of this career route -- the adultness of it -- was worth it.  There were days she genuinely longed to be scurrying from her brunch waitressing shift to her retail management gig.  There were days she wished she was still wearing a plastic name tag, rolling her eyes in the backroom with her coworkers over this or that ultra-privileged patron.  There was something very freeing about her R&R years and even though she knew those days were behind her -- that she'd sold out or grown up or evolved out of that lifestyle -- it didn't mean she didn't wish she could go back in time, if for no other reason than to savor the frivolity and chaos of what her life was like back then.

Now?  She set an alarm clock in order to arrive at the office by 8:45am sharp so she could have time to get some coffee and put her belongings in her office before the 9am Monday morning meeting.  She made small talk with people she sort of blandly enjoyed -- except for Curtis from Marketing who she enjoyed tremendously -- and got through the agenda before retreating back to her desk to sigh at how many emails she was copied on and try to prioritize her stack of tasks before her supervisor Leah came looming in her office door to check in.  

On this particular Monday morning, however, Evelyn went through her get-ready rituals in a glassy dream-state.  After telling Matty about her pregnancy, everything had shifted for her.  She felt less afraid -- about it being Monday, about having to make a decision about what she wanted to do with the fetus in her uterus, about her failure to be the kind of writer she'd always dreamed she could be, about surrendering her chaotic youth to become a responsible adult.  All of it felt manageable, even though it seemed her list of questions without answers only seemed to be growing.

She was still in a fog when she left her building to walk to the bus stop, so she let out a panicked yip when she heard a man call out, "Good morning, Evelyn."  She turned her head slowly and realized she had just breezed right by Matty who was sitting on her building's front steps.  "Oh," she said, regaining her composure.  "Hi," she added.

Matty got up slowly and walked towards her, though remaining at a respectful distance.  "I've got my car, can I give you a ride to work?" he asked.

Evelyn paused.  "You came over here to ask me if I needed a ride to work?" she asked.

Matty shook his head.  "I just know you like to get there right on time and so I thought I could get you there and still get to say what's on my mind."

Evelyn blinked at him.  "You want to unload your thoughts on a Monday morning?" she asked.

"You had no issue 'unloading' yours while I was at work on Saturday," Matty bit back.

Evelyn grimaced.  "Valerie kind of made me do that," she said.

Matty chuckled and shook his head.  "Even so," he said, indicating towards his car parked by the curb.  "Can I give you a ride?"

Evelyn nodded once.  "Sure, OK," she said, waiting for him to catch up to her so they could walk to his car together.

It felt surreal, this moment with Matty -- when they'd been dating, he knew how much she dreaded Mondays so he would always stay over Sunday night to give her a ride to the office the next morning.  She'd get to her desk and open her bag to discover he'd put post-its in her notebooks with little notes about things he liked about her or inside jokes they had.  He could be so very sweet when he wasn't trying to mold her into the woman he thought he deserved.

"So, what's on your mind," Evelyn asked breezily as Matty started up the car.

"Have you been watching the new season of Succession?" Matty quipped, barely missing a beat.

"That show is trash," Evelyn said dryly, making them both laugh.

"For real, though," Matty went on.  "I have thought a lot over the last day and a half or so about... about... what you told me..."

"That I'm pregnant?" Evelyn offered.  "It's easier if you just say it."

Matty inhaled deeply and exhaled loudly.  "Pregnant.  You're pregnant, right.  You're pregnant and I'm the father.  You're pregnant, I'm the father, and my new three-week-old relationship is now basically over because of that."

Evelyn looked at him sharply.  "Seriously?  Am I getting blamed for the instability of your three-week-old relationship?  Is our baby getting blamed for it?"

Matty's cheeks got red.  "No, I mean, well, I don't know, maybe."

"Is that what you want to talk to me about?  Your shit with Anne?" Evelyn asked.

Matty's hands gripped the wheel a little tighter before he pulled away from the curb and started driving.  "I'm trying to express that your news came as a big shock in my life.  Like, I woke up Saturday morning feel like it was a fresh start and then..."

Evelyn swallowed hard and stared straight ahead.  "It didn't exactly leave my life in a state of serenity," she said.

"I know, I know," Matty said.  "How long have you known, anyway?"

Evelyn bit her lip.  "About a week and a half," she said.

"You waited a week and a half to tell me?" he repeated.

"I mean, I wasn't sure I even had to tell you," Evelyn said.  "Valerie was the one who really thought I should, especially because I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it or not."

"So you must be thinking about keeping it then," Matty pressed.  "Are you?"

Evelyn sighed.  "I don't really have a major update about that since Saturday," she said.

"But if you knew for sure you were going to get an...  um...  If you know you knew you were going to..." Matty fumbled.

"Get an abortion?" Evelyn supplied.  "You're really going to need to get more comfortable saying these words out loud."

Matty let out a shaky breath.  "I just don't know how I feel about...  about... abortions," he said.

Evelyn looked at her hands.  This wasn't shocking news to her, given some of what he'd shared about a now-estranged friend of his from high school who'd gotten an abortion their senior year.  It had made Evelyn wince to hear him speak so crassly about this young woman who had been one of his best friends for years before she was faced with the exact decision she was faced with now.  It was one of the many reasons she'd not wanted to tell Matty she was pregnant at all.

"You'll regret it if you don't tell him," Valerie had said, leaning her head against hers while they sat on the front stoop of Evelyn's building.

Sitting in Matty's car now, Evelyn felt the same gut-punch reaction she'd had that day with Valerie.  

"Can I be honest?" she asked, cutting Matty off.

"Always," Matty said.

"I don't give a shit about your feelings on abortion.  I don't give a shit if you want me to keep the baby or not.  I don't give a shit about you in this equation.  You and I are broken up.  We didn't plan for this pregnancy.  And even if I do keep the baby, that doesn't necessarily need to involve you at all.  So if that helps you salvage your relationship with Anne, you have my blessing to tell her everything I just said," Evelyn said.

Matty's jaw set.  "It's kind of bullshit that you say I have no say in this," he said after a moment.

"You think so?" Evelyn asked.

"You took the time to tell me so that makes me involved," Matty said.  "I...  I want to be involved in this decision.  This decision impacts my life and it could impact Anne's life or any future partner of mine's life."

"I can see how it will impact your life but I can't agree that you get to be involved in the decision," Evelyn said.  "If anything, I think you should focus on Anne and figure out if she's the partner you want and if so, work on stabilizing that situation by assuring her that whatever's going on with me does not mean that you and Anne can't have a perfectly lovely future together."

Matty was quiet for a moment.  "What if I still want a future with you?" he asked.

Evelyn felt herself slump in her seat.  "I can't have this conversation with you again," she said.

"Not even if you decide to have my baby?" he asked.

"Not even if I decide to have this baby," she confirmed.

Matty shook his head.  "I don't understand," he said.

"Do right by Anne," Evelyn said gently.  "If you're not over me, maybe it's not a good time to be with her, anyway."

Matty's jaw set again.  "The last thing I want or need from you in this moment is relationship advice, Ev."

Evelyn eyed his profile with increasing compassion.  "I know," she said.  "But, look at me anyway, giving you advice."

"You always were terrible at that," Matty said.

***

Evelyn's brain was buzzing through the Monday morning meeting.  She clutched her cup of green tea with such an intensity, her hands were red from the heat.  She'd laughed a little too loudly at her co-worker Curtis' story about his weekend as they both made their way back to their respective offices and he'd eyed her with a we'll need to talk about this later glint in his eye.

Curtis, more than most people, could read her like a book.

At the moment, however, he also seemed to realize this wasn't the time and so he merely lingered in her doorway as she all but collapsed into her desk chair.  "I'm just down the hall," he said lightly, blowing her a kiss.

She smiled despite herself as she reached up to catch it.  "I know," she said, deeply appreciating having a kindred spirit nearby during this particular day in her life.

Once Curtis disappeared down the hallway, Evelyn immediately got back up to close her door.  It wasn't unusual for her to lock herself into what she referred to as her fortress of solitude.  She liked to play gong sounds that she knew her coworkers found both bizarre and unpleasant and closing the door reduced the likelihood that she'd have to endure their odd looks and passive-aggressive comments.  Plus, today, she just needed to be as alone as a woman in an office environment could be.  Something to unload the disgust she'd felt beaming at her from Matty when he'd dropped her off an hour and a half ago.  She worked so hard not to care what he thought about her, but, well, she cared.  

His displeasure in her was one thing -- his disappointment in her was excruciating.

Back at her desk, she opened her Spotify on the desktop of her computer and queued up her favorite gong-based playlist.  Leaning back in her chair, she closed her eyes and let the sounds wash over her.  She needed this moment to reconnect with her own soul, her own spirit, her own inner-strength.

"You are powerful," she murmured out loud, just as her phone buzzed in the pocket of her workbag.  Reaching over, she pulled it out and saw: Maybe Anne listed as the text's sender. "Shit," she said, unlocking her phone to read.

Evelyn, you owe it to me to tell me what's going on with you and Matty, the message read.  I really like him, came a second message.

Evelyn read the the texts over and over.  "Do I owe her anything?" she muttered, setting her phone down and turning to her computer.

That's when her phone buzzed a third time: It's Anne, by the way, the message said.

Something about that final message melted Evelyn's heart. Typing quickly, she responded, I know who you are.  I know you really like Matty.  I'm not sure what I owe you besides confirmation that I am not planning on getting back together with him -- he's all yours.  

Evelyn hit send and waited.  After a moment, the telltale three dots started dancing, indicating a new message was forthcoming, but then they stopped.  Anne didn't reply and Evelyn turned her attention to her tasks for the workday.

***

The rest of the day went by in a blur of emails and pop-ins.  Evelyn's supervisor Leah loved a pop-in -- and she loved to wrinkle her nose about Evelyn's gong music every time she popped in, too.  

In short, she was awful.

Somehow, Evelyn survived until 4:58pm when she deemed it acceptable to collect her belongings and head out to catch the 5:03pm bus that picked up across the street from the building.  

As she made her way across the parking lot, she heard someone lean on their horn.  Looking sharply to the left, she saw Valerie waving her over.  

"What are you doing here?" Evelyn asked, leaning her hand on Valerie's car.

"Get in," Valerie said, nodding towards the passenger's side door.

Evelyn walked slowly around and did as she was told.  Once she was in and buckled (safety first!), Valerie started to drive.

"Where are we going?" Evelyn asked.

"I thought I'd give you a ride home," Valerie said lightly.

Evelyn eyed her dubiously.  "You've literally never given me a ride home without me asking you to," she said.

"That can't be true," Valerie said in a clipped voice.

Evelyn sighed.  "What's up, Val?"

"I heard about your conversation with Matty this morning," Valerie said.

"How did you hear about it?" Evelyn asked.

"Not from you," Valerie said pointedly.

Evelyn slunk down in her seat a little.  "It was a busy day," she offered.

Valerie gave her the side-eye.  "Not that busy," she said.

"I remember a time not that long ago that you didn't want me to bring up Matty at all," Evelyn said defensively.

"Really, girl?" Valerie said.

"How did you know I talked to Matty this morning?" Evelyn asked again.

"He showed up at my job, that's how," Valerie said.

"Why did he do that?" Evelyn asked.

"You know he thinks I control you," Valerie muttered.

"He thinks what?" Evelyn asked.

Valerie's jaw set and re-set.  "He told me that once," she confessed.  "Right after one of your fights.  He made some little comment to me about how he won that round."

Evelyn's head was spinning.  "Matty thinks you control me?  Wow.  OK."

"Don't be pissed at me, Ev," Valerie said.  "I don't think that -- he does."

"So he showed up at your job to reiterate that you control me or....what?" Evelyn asked.

Valerie sighed.  "He wants me to convince you to get back together with him," she said.

Evelyn's jaw hung open.  "He what?"

"He thinks I can help him get you to take him back," Valerie repeated.

"What did you say?"  Evelyn asked.

"I told him to get the fuck off my lawn," Valerie said, her eyes fixed on the road ahead.

"Valerie," Evelyn said, every syllable taking on a life of its own.  "Where are you taking me right now?"

"Spinning," Valerie all but growled before adding, "I brought you workout clothes."

Evelyn laughed despite herself. "Shannon's teaching?" she asked.

Valerie nodded.  "We need to get our asses kicked out of the saddle," she confirmed.

Through her work as a web designer, Valerie had a complimentary membership at a fitness club that was for women-only called, quite cleverly, Workouts for Women. She'd upgraded their website maybe two years ago, but the membership seemed to remain active and without time restraints -- or guest restraints -- so Valerie and Evelyn were very feast-or-famine on their status as gym rats.  They happened to be in a famine mindset at the moment, but from the second Valerie named their destination, Evelyn could already feel her endorphins activate.

"I don't even like spinning," she said to Valerie as they made their way into the studio for class.

"Me, neither," Valerie confirmed, linking her arm with Evelyn's as they made their way to their "usual" bikes.

They had stumbled upon both spinning (and Shannon's class specifically) by accident.  They thought they were attending a Zumba class, but when they walked in the room and saw the rows of bikes, they felt too sheepish to back out, especially with other students streaming in behind them.  They'd snagged bikes in the back room and looked at each other as if this might be the last hour of their lives, but somehow -- somehow -- they not only made it through, they also developed little girl-crushes on Shannon while they were at it.  Shannon was nearly sixty-years-old, all of four-foot-eleven inches and a rock-solid muscle.  She always wore her white-grey hair back in a tight bun widely wrapped with a neon pink ribbon.  She gave zero-fucks and had no mercy.  When you were a student in her spinning class, you were going to work.

"If I'm even half as badass as Shannon when I am that age, please build me a statue in my front lawn," Valerie would say, dripping with sweat as she and Evelyn would make their way to the café for a smoothie.

"If I'm half as badass as Shannon when I'm that age, I'll probably be dead from exhaustion of so much badassery," Evelyn would joke.

On this particular day, both Valerie and Evelyn were separately called out for being lazy (cardinal sin in Shannon's classes) but it somehow made them both leave the studio with massive grins on their faces.  Still sweaty messes, they went directly to the café for their smoothies -- Evelyn always got a strawberry/mango while Valerie got a lime/mint one -- and collapsed into a booth near the entrance.  They liked to look out on the manmade pond behind the gym.  

"Plastic swans are in," Valerie noted.  "Must be spring."

"Well, look who it is." 

The new voice made both Valerie and Evelyn's heads turn in unison. 

Anne stood looming above them.

"Oh, hey, girl," Valerie said slowly.

Anne ignored her and stared at Evelyn. "What you said earlier, did you mean it?" she asked.

Evelyn thought back to their text message exchange, which felt like days ago at this point.  "Of course," she said, unblinking.

Anne shifted.  "I think Matty wants to break up with me. Or maybe he already broke up with me.  Can I sit down with you for a minute?" she asked.

Evelyn shot Valerie a look.  Valerie shrugged without moving a muscle.

"I mean, OK," Evelyn said as Anne immediately slid into the seat next to Valerie.

"I really like him," Anne said in a low voice, almost as if it was possible that Matty might overhear them.

Evelyn nodded patiently.  "I get that," she said.  "I don't know what else to tell you besides I'm not trying to get in the way of whatever you two have going on."

"Right, except that you showed up out of the blue and told him you were pregnant with his baby," Anne said, almost as if she were recapping her favorite reality television show.  "I don't get why you did that if you don't want him back."

Evelyn felt her cheeks get red as Anne continued to stare intently at her.  "I mean, um..."

"I made her do it," Valerie butted in.

Anne swung her gaze over in her direction.  "Why?  Do you want Evelyn and Matty to get back together?"

"No," Valerie said immediately.

"Then why," Anne demanded.

"Matty deserves to know," Valerie said. She paused a moment and then added, "He thinks he's so fucking perfect."

Both Evelyn and Anne balked.

"He's a control freak and the definition of 'woke' toxic masculinity," Valerie went on her, her cheeks getting red.  "He thinks he's the most moral, most blameless, most heroic form of manhood and he just isn't all that."

Evelyn bit her lip.  She'd certainly heard Valerie rant about Matty's character before, but usually only behind closed doors.  "I think what Valerie means is that Matty has a history of being judgmental about other people he knows who have, um, ended up in this situation," Evelyn offered.

Valerie pointed an affirming finger at Evelyn.  "Yes, that part."

Anne's gaze swung back and forth between them.  "I didn't know that," she said finally.

Evelyn sipped her smoothie.  "He hasn't told you about his friend Samantha and how she went and got an abortion?" she asked, as if she were asking if Anne had tried the new taco place in town.

"No," Anne said softly.

"Well, he will," Evelyn said.  "The short version of the story is that they used to be really close friends and then Samantha got an abortion and he basically canceled her from his life."

Anne's eyes welled up with tears.  "I...  I had no idea," she said.

Valerie observed Anne carefully.  "Did you know that Matty paid both Evelyn and me a visit this morning?" she asked, her tone suddenly softening.

Anne stared at the table.  "I knew about Evelyn," she said miserably.

"Well, he came to see me, too," Valerie said.  "Do you know why he'd do that?"

Anne shook her head.

"He wanted me to convince Evelyn, my dearest friend, to get back together with him, even though he knows I think he's a phony schmuck," Valerie said.

Anne's entire body slumped a little more.  "Oh," she said.

"Listen, Anne, I don't know you.  But I can tell you that you deserve to be treated better than he's treating you right now," Valerie said.

Anne suddenly sat up straight and stared at Valerie.  "You're right.  You don't know me," she said, suddenly getting up and stalking away from them.

Evelyn slurped at her smoothie as she watched Anne disappear around a corner.  "Do you think she'll be done with him now?" she asked, almost to no one.

"Do you care?" Valerie asked, her eyes narrowing.

Evelyn half-shrugged.  "She seems nice, that's all," she said.  

"So?" Valerie challenged.

"So I hope she'll be ok," Evelyn said.

Valerie leaned back in her seat.  "Human to human, sure.  But honestly?  She's far down on the list of people I'm worried about."

Evelyn raised an eyebrow.  "Who's at the top of your list?" she teased.

Valerie smiled almost sadly.  "When are you going to make your decision?" she asked.

Evelyn paused thoughtfully.  "Soon," she said.  "Obviously."

"I don't control you, you know," Valerie said.  "It was shitty of Matty to indicate that I could."

Evelyn reached over and took Valerie's hand.  "I haven't always been as strong as you," she said.  "But now all of that is starting to change."

***

After work the next day, Evelyn got off the bus a stop early to pick up some bananas from the grocery store.  For the most part, she had her groceries delivered or she'd tag along with Valerie on a trip to CostCo, but when she was running low only on bananas, Evelyn would make an exception to brave in-person shopping.  

She dreaded grocery stores.

They always felt overwhelming to her and full of temptations.  Once she'd made the switch to grocery delivery, she was less likely to end up with a pantry full of cupcakes instead of a crisper drawer full of kale, like she had now.  

But for bananas, she'd brave it.

She'd learned to become laser focused on her mission when entering the palace that is Andres' Market, the local grocery chain.  She knew exactly where the produce was and exactly which self-checkout she could easily enter produce without the alarm bell ringing to request assistance.  Marching through the automatic doors, she put on her imaginary blinders and went for it.

She went for it so much so that she ran right into another human body with an uncomfortable thud.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention..." she began, feeling a bit dazed.

"Wait, Evelyn?" said a familiar voice.  "Evelyn Jarrett, voted Most Likely to Succeed by the Victory Elks Class of 2006?"

Evelyn blinked and stared at the person making these Wikipedia-esque sounds related to her life.  Suddenly, her entire body was blushing.  "David Morrison, voted Most School Spirit by the very same class?" she asked slowly.

He grinned and held out his hand.  "The one and only," he confirmed.

Evelyn's jaw hung slightly agape as she unwittingly grinned with every cell in her body and gave his hand an enthusiastic shake.  "Holy shit, what's it been? Fifteen years?" she asked.

David's fingers lingered in hers with the other hand cupping briefly, just long enough for her to notice the wedding band on his finger.  "Maybe our five year reunion?" he guessed.  "That was, what, twelve years ago?"

Evelyn nodded, suddenly folding her arms across her chest to tuck her hands under her armpits.  "I think you're right," she said.

"Did you go to the ten year reunion?" they both asked at the same time before they laughed and echoed, "No, I didn't go."

"Wow, David, I thought you were living in San Fran or somewhere out West," Evelyn said.

"I was," he confirmed. "My mom's been sick, so I've been back here in Cleveland for a couple of weeks."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she said.  "Is everything... ok?"

David's smile turned sadder.  "Honestly, it's not a good prognosis.  I mean, luckily, I can do my work remotely but if I had the choice of hanging out here or in San Francisco, I'd pick San Fran," he said as an attempt at humor.

Evelyn felt herself flinch.  "Right, of course, I mean, it's none of my business -- I'm sorry to ask such a personal question," she said.

David waved her off.  "Not too personal.  You are Evelyn Jarrett.  You can know anything about me that you want," he said, his smile beaming once more.  

Evelyn grinned, her hands now dropping into her pockets.  "Can I know why you turned me down when I asked you to be my date for freshman homecoming?" she teased.

David threw his head back as he guffawed.  "Oh, wow, you really went for it there," he said.  He paused and took a step closer, his voice dropping.  "I didn't say no sophomore, junior, or senior year, though, did I," he reminded her.

Evelyn felt the same butterflies he used to give her back in high school.  "No, you sure didn't," she said softly.

Just then a ping came from David's pocket and it seemed to break him out of a trance.  "Look, I gotta get going," he said, indicating to his cart.  "Dinner won't make itself, unfortunately."

"Right," Evelyn said a little too quickly.  "It was really cool to run into you."

"Literally," David teased, rubbing his arm where she'd smacked straight into him.

Evelyn put her hand briefly over her eyes.  "Sorry again about that," she offered.

David pulled his phone out of his pocket.  "How about I let you make it up to me," he said.  "Maybe we could grab a drink tomorrow evening?  Maybe 6pm at Dorian's?"

"Sure," Evelyn said as David handed her his phone for her to type in her contact information.

He put his phone back in his pocket and beamed at her.  "Is a hug ok with you?" he asked, starting to open his arms.

"Oh, hell yes," Evelyn said, allowing her body to be folded into his.  She breathed him in and was dizzy with the familiarity of being this close to him.

As he let her go, he kissed the top of her head, an old habit if there ever was one, and started to push his cart away.

"See you tomorrow," Evelyn called after him.

"See you tomorrow," he called back as he waved, his wedding ring catching the light as he moved.

She just stood there, watching him go, absolutely stunned by this turn of events.

***

Evelyn wandered through the early part of that evening in a fog, buying her bananas and walking the four blocks back to her apartment. Her brain barely had the bandwidth to process this new bit of information: David Morrison was in town.  She had a date tomorrow night with David Fucking Morrison.

Then she remembered the wedding ring and felt a blush in her cheeks.  It wasn't a date.  It was just old friends catching up.  It was the punctuation mark on the end of meet-cute between old friends running -- literally -- into each other in the produce aisle.

Even so, there were baby-butterflies in her gut as she replayed their conversation.  The way he laughed, the way he'd so confidently folded her body against his body, sheer joy in his eyes.  Had she brought that out in him or was he genuinely still the same happy-go-lucky kid she dated off and on through high school?

She wasn't the same happy-go-lucky kid anymore.  It felt foreign to her that anyone could maintain that same teenage freshness about life.  

After Evelyn showered and put her pajamas on, she dug for a box under her bed and felt triumphant when she found it: old yearbooks and pictures and keepsakes from high school, a box so thick with dust it made her sneeze as she pried off the lid.  Inside, though, were countless memories, dimmed or turned off completely until they were right in front of her.  She flipped to the page in her Senior Year Yearbook where she stood with flexed arms interlinked with her male counterpart in the Most Likely to Succeed category.  Evan Kohl.  Evelyn and Evan, inseparable kindergarten through twelfth grade, always one-upping each other in their quest for over-achievement.  

Evelyn smiled sadly as she traced her finger first over those words Most Likely to Succeed and then paused to take in Evan, his goofiness and kindness jumping off the page at her.  He'd been killed in a drunk driving accident during their freshman year at college, something that shook their core group of friends, no one more so than Evelyn.  Besides Valerie, no one had ever so readily understood Evelyn better than Evan. In a twist of fate, Valerie was with Evelyn when she found out about Evan's death.  They were in their dorm room at Kent State University when Evan's mother called with the news.  At the time, Valerie and Evelyn's friendship was new -- but going through this experience bonded them in ways that no other life experience ever could.

"I can't be Evan," Valerie had said weeks later when the two of them were walking to class one morning.  "But I can be here for you."

As Evelyn thought about that now, an invasive thought clouded the memory.  When Evan had died, the one person who vanished completely was David.  While the rest of their friend group went to the funeral and had their own memorial ritual, David was nowhere to be seen.  He never replied to their text chain, he never showed up in any way.  Slowly it was dawning on Evelyn why she'd intentionally lost touch with David in the first place.  Outside of a quick hi/bye at their 5 year class reunion, she hadn’t spoken to him at all.  They weren't even Facebook friends.

Her eyes trailed across the page to where David was wearing the school mascot costume while the head cheerleader Amy Fontaine leapt in the air for their Most School Spirit picture.  In hot pink ink, her high school self had turned the mascot's eyes into heart-shapes.

She laid back on the floor with the yearbook open across her chest.

***

Evelyn arrived ten minutes early at Dorian's the next night.  She ordered a mocktail called Fuzzy Sanderson -- peach juice, lime seltzer, and a cluster of cherries -- and sat wistfully at the bar.  She was so lost in thought that she jumped when David tapped her on the shoulder a few minutes later.

"Still an early bird, I see," he joked, sliding onto the seat next to her.

There was something about being back in his presence that erased any of the doubts or anxiety she'd been feeling up until this moment.  "I can't believe you remember that kind of stuff," she said, stirring her drink.

"Of course I remember.  You being an early-is-on-time person made me an early-is-on-time person," he said with a grin before clearing his throat.  "My, uh, wife thanks you for that, by the way."

Evelyn's smile dimmed ever so slightly.  "I'm happy to help," she said.

"She stayed in San Fran," David went on, his eyes wandering the rows of alcohol behind the bar.  "We have a seven-year-old -- Charlie.  He's in school so we didn't want to disrupt that by bringing him out here."

Evelyn nodded.  "That makes sense," she said lightly.

"What about you?  Husband, kids?" he asked, his attention more on trying to get the bartender to notice him.

"Oh, um, no on both accounts," Evelyn said, swallowing hard.  "At the moment, at least."

The bartender came over at that moment and David ordered a Great Lakes beer.  "Can't get these back in Cali," he said, hoisting his glass to cheers with her.

Evelyn complied.  "Ohio welcomes you," she said with a grin as she clinked her glass with his.

"So, tell me everything," he said after taking a sip and setting down his glass. "Catch me up on the last ten years."

"Give or take," Evelyn joked.

"Give or take," David returned with a laugh.

Evelyn opened her mouth to give her elevator speech about her R&R life turned into a Communications Associate work spiel, but first she hesitated then she closed her mouth.  She stared into her drink for a moment and then locked eyes with David.

"Can I ask you something first?" she said, her words drawn out slowly.

"Of course, ask me anything," David said, taking a healthy sip of his beer.

Evelyn felt her cheeks get warm.  "Well, see, I was looking through our yearbooks last night..." she began.

"Man, it's been ages since I've looked through that old stuff," David said.

"Yeah, I mean, same," Evelyn said.  "But, well, it made me think...  About Evan."

David's face paled at the mention of their old friend. "Yeah?" he said.

"I'm not sure how to ask this..." Evelyn began, her cheeks now blazing red.

"You want to know why I didn't come to the funeral," David said.

"Well...  Yes," Evelyn said.

It was David's turn to stare into his drink.  

"So, look..." he began, his eyes slowly locking with Evelyn's.  "There's something I've never told you about.  Something about Evan." He paused and drew in a deep breath.  "About Evan and me."

Evelyn eyed him curiously. "What about Evan and you?" she asked.

David reached over and took her hand.  "Evan and I were in love," he said softly.

Evelyn blinked at him.  "I mean, yeah, we all loved Evan..." she said.

David shook his head.  "I mean... we were in love," he repeated.

Evelyn felt her color drain.  "But...  we were in love back then," she all but whispered.

David's free hand made its way to her face.  "I never wanted to hurt you," he said.  "I did love you, of course I loved you.  But..."

Evelyn felt a tear come to her eye.  "I just...  I had no idea," she said.

David's hands fell to his lap.  "No one did," he said.  "Evan and I kept it really secret.  I mean, everyone knew that he was, ya know..."

"Gay?" Evelyn supplied.

David nodded.  "Yeah.  Everyone knew that Evan was gay.  But I wasn't gay.  I didn't know how to categorize my sexuality back then.  I just knew that I felt how I felt about Evan and he felt how he felt about me," he explained.

"Did you... were you... Was something going on between you and Evan while you and I were dating?" Evelyn asked.  She thought of the picture in the senior yearbook with Evan and her posing together for Most Likely to Succeed and for the first time in her life, that memory made her stomach turn.

David shook his head.  "No, not really."  He paused.  "God, this is uncomfortable." He paused again.  "We kissed at the prom," he finally added.  "Near the end when there was one of the fast songs.  He pulled me over to a corner and kissed me.  It totally freaked me out -- I was so afraid someone would see us..."

"You mean like your prom date?" Evelyn asked, an eyebrow raised.

David winced.  "I mean, honestly?  You were the person I was least worried about finding out," he said.

"The person you were sleeping with at the time was the one you were least worried about finding out that you were cheating on her?" she asked, her skepticism oozing from every syllable.

David winced again.  "God, I am botching this," he said.  "No, I mean, you were always so accepting of the fact that Evan was gay -- I just thought you'd be the most understanding if you saw me kissing Evan."

Evelyn felt dizzy.  "Thanks, I guess?  It's just that being accepting of my dear friend being gay is lightyears away from me being accepting that the person I lost my virginity to was cheating on me with my best friend," she said.

David nodded.  "Right, of course, that makes sense.  I'm so sorry.  All that ever happened -- physically -- with Evan and me while you and I were together was that one kiss."

"But there was more... later?" Evelyn pressed.

David nodded again.  "The last two weeks of summer before we went to college, Evan and I slept together.  We had an affair.  I honestly don't know the right terminology.  I made him promise not to tell anyone while I was still figuring out what it meant that I was sexually attracted to a man, so he promised.  Then we went off to college, I kind of blew Evan off at first because I felt so confused about my feelings for him.  So when he died...  When he was killed, all I could do was look at my phone and scroll through all these texts he'd sent me that I never responded to.  Because I was afraid.  I was just afraid.  And when he died, I was so heartbroken and I had all these regrets and I honestly just couldn't face any of you," he said.  "Then time just went by and it never got easier and it never made more sense for me to reach out.  You know, the whole reason I even went to our 5-year reunion was to try and make it up to everyone and I had this whole plan to tell you all the truth, but once we were in the room and I could tell that you all were still so close and I had kind of drifted, I didn't want to ruin your nights with a big confession."  He shrugged.  "I've never felt right about any of this."

It was Evelyn's turn to take in a deep breath.  "I'm sorry you've had to carry this with you all these years.  I honestly had no idea.  Evan never told me.  Obviously, you never even dropped a hint.  This is all news to me," she said.

David reached over and cupped her hands in his hands once more.  "I never wanted to hurt you," he said.  "I've thought about you so often over the years and wondered how you were doing and I've wanted to reach out.  When we ran into each other yesterday, it felt like a chance for a fresh start.  I hope you're open to that."

Evelyn smiled at him with a hint of sadness.  "All this time I thought you didn't love Evan at all," she said.  "But it turns out it was the complete opposite."

David laughed as he reached over to grab his beer.  "Pretty much," he confirmed.  "Thank you for hearing me out, that means a lot."

Evelyn nodded appreciatively.  "I'm still taking it in, to be clear," she said.  "But of course I'm willing to hear you out.  You are an important chapter in my life."

"As you are in mine," David affirmed.

"And now you're married to a...woman?" Evelyn asked delicately.

David nodded.  "I identify as bisexual, but, yes, I am married to a woman," he said.

Evelyn sipped her mocktail.  "Just my luck," she quipped.

David laughed.  "Don't think I've lost my soft spot for you, though, Ev.  Running into you yesterday was honestly one of the best things that's happened to me in a long, long time.  I am so very happy to be here with you right now."

"Well, well, well, look who we have here."

The bubble around David and Evelyn burst as they both turned to see a bleary-eyed Matty stumbling towards them with Anne right on his heels.

"What are you doing at a bar?" Matty asked, standing uncomfortably close to Evelyn.

She shirked away from him.  "Hanging out with my friend, not that it's your concern," she said.

"I'm sorry, Evelyn, Matty's a little drunk," Anne offered as an apology.

Evelyn shot her a no shit look.  "I noticed," she said stiffly.

David's eyes were ping-ponging back and forth.  "Hi, I'm David," he offered, holding his hand out to Anne.

"I'm Anne and this is my..." she paused and cleared her throat.  "This is Matty."

"I gathered," David said, now reaching his hand out to shake Matty's.

"Who's David?" Matty asked, staring intently at Evelyn.

"Her date," David said quicker than Evelyn could respond.

Matty looked fiercely at David.  "Where'd you come from?" he asked.

Evelyn stood up from her seat at the bar and put a hand against Matty's chest to back him up.  "David is an old friend from high school," she said.  

"Then why did he say he was your date?" Matty pressed.  "Is this a date?  Are you on a date at a bar?" 

Evelyn narrowed her eyes.  "It is literally none of your business what I'm doing, Matty," she said in a low voice.

Anne tried to pull Matty back away from the bar.  "We should go," she said apologetically.

Matty barely budged.  "It is my business," he said to Evelyn.  "You can say it's not all you want but it is and you know it."

Evelyn folded her arms across her chest.  "For once, you're the mess in this equation," she said.  "Please take a step back from me."

Anne forcibly pulled Matty away.  "We should go," she repeated, this time with greater urgency.

Matty turned and looked at Anne for a long moment before sweeping her up in his arms and kissing her.  Evelyn could see the way Anne melted in his arms -- it was so evident that she was smitten by even this drunk and disorderly version of Matty.  So it only made her wince all the more when Matty let Anne go and spun around to smirk at Evelyn.

"We should go," he echoed before grabbing Anne by the hand and marching her back out the door.

Evelyn watched them disappear, feeling partly relieved and partly worried for Anne.  

"That was... something," David said, breaking Evelyn's spell and returning her to her seat.

"To think, I used to date him," she mused.

"You sure know how to pick 'em," David teased.

Evelyn chuckled.  "Don't I know it."

"Why did he think it was so inappropriate for you to be on a date in a bar?" David wondered out loud.  "It seemed to be... not strictly jealousy."

Evelyn sighed and looked at the floor.  "I'm pregnant," she confessed.  

David's eyes flashed immediate understanding. "With that guy's kid?" he balked.

She nodded.  "Yeah," she said with a tiny shrug.  "Ooops."

David leaned back in his chair.  "Wow," he said.  "Maybe we shouldn't be in a bar, then, unless...  Are you... Not going to keep the baby?" He paused.  "I'm sorry, that's none of my business.  Forget I asked that last part."

Evelyn shook her head.  "It's OK," she said.  "Truth be told, I don't know what I'm going to do about my pregnancy yet.  I have to decide soon.  All I know for sure is that Matty won't be involved."

David raised an eyebrow.  "It seems like he'll be a hard guy to get to stay out of it," he said.

"Yeah," Evelyn agreed.  She paused and then held up her drink.  "This is a mocktail, just so you know."

"I'm no one to judge," David said.

"Is anything about this night going the way you thought it would?" Evelyn asked with a teasing smile.

David grinned from ear to ear.  "Absolutely not," he said.  "But I'm happy to be here with you, nonetheless."

Evelyn hopped to her feet and held out her hand.  "Let's get out of here," she said.

David interlaced his fingers with hers and beckoned the bartender over.  "Let me just settle this tab first," he said with a wink.

Evelyn let go of his hand long enough for him to cash out and then she immediately grabbed hold once more.  "I have wine and whiskey at my apartment," she said. "If you don't mind drinking alone."

David laughed as they headed out of the bar.  "I'm parked over here," he said, indicating towards a white Jeep parked on the street.

Evelyn clocked the California plates.  "You drove here from San Fran?" she asked.

David nodded as he opened the door for her before jogging around to the driver's side.  Once he was in, he explained, "I knew I'd be out here for awhile and so it made sense for me to have my car."

Evelyn studied his face in the early evening light.  It felt as if she were looking both forwards and backwards through time, which gave her a sudden chill.  "How's your mom doing?" she asked to focus her back into the present.

David started the Jeep and Alanis Morrisette blared through the speakers.

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you

"Still got your Jagged Little Pill box set, I see?" Evelyn teased as "Mary Jane" continued to play.

David laughed and turned the volume up. "She's the queen," he said with a shrug as he pulled out into traffic and Alanis continued, unperturbed: 

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish

Worry not about the cars that go by

'Cause all that matters Mary Jane is your freedom

So keep warm my dear, keep dry

David and Evelyn belted out both right and wrong lyrics as Evelyn offered directions when necessary on the short drive to her apartment.  It felt so freeing to Evelyn, to be with this person who her soul felt joyful around.  They were still singing loudly even after David parked in front of her building and they walked inside, their hands rejoining as they made their way to her apartment.  

Once inside, Evelyn went straight to the kitchen with David on her heels.  "What can I get you to drink?" she asked.

"I don't need more booze," he said.  "I'll have whatever you're having."

"Two pineapple juices with seltzer it is then," Evelyn said, serving their drinks up quickly.

After they clinked their glasses and cheersed, they stood in the kitchen quietly, comfortable, eyes lightly locked on each other.

After a few moments of comfortable silence, David said, "So, you never answered my question from earlier about what you've been up to the last few years." He paused and indicated towards her abdomen.  "I've only gotten a snapshot of some, um, recent events."

Evelyn chuckled nervously.  "Right," she said.  "Why don't we go sit in the living room?" She lead the way gesturing for him to sit on the couch.  Her instinct was to sit next to him, but she hesitated and then sat down in the adjacent chair.  "What have I been up to...  You mean what do I do for work?"

David nodded.  "Sure, what do you do for work?" he confirmed.

Evelyn took a sip of her juice.  "I work as a Communications Administrator for a publishing company called Clear Windows. Basically, I am in charge of the social media strategy and I write copy for the website and assist the Marketing Director with whatever she might need help doing," she said.

"That sounds like a fun job," David said.

Something in his voice made Evelyn deflate.  "Not what you thought the girl voted Most Likely to Succeed would be doing?" she asked.

David set his drink on the coffee table.  "I don't think there's one path to 'success,'" he said.  "Do you feel like you've succeeded?  Because that's the only metric that really matters."

Evelyn thought about it.  "My boss... Well, my boss's boss -- Rosa?  She's a total inspiration to me.  She founded this publishing company as a way to give voice to local, community-based issues.  Her husband runs Three Doors." She paused to see if David recognized the nonprofit's name.  His eyes widened, indicating he did, so she went on.  "Rosa just sees what she wants and goes for it.  She's visionary.  Honestly, she saw something in me and brought me in on the ground floor with Clear Windows.  I was working as a waitress at the time and she just offered me the chance to be part of what she was doing.  No one's ever taken that big of a chance on me before."

David raised an eyebrow.  "Sounds like you took a chance on her," he said.

"What do you mean?" Evelyn asked.

"Startups can fizzle out pretty quickly," he said.  "I should know -- I've worked with a few.  It can be a big risk to follow charisma like you did."

Evelyn thought about what he said for a moment.  "It wasn't a big risk at all, though" she said.  "Rosa was going to succeed -- and I was going to be part of the reason why.  So were all of us who started at the beginning with her.  Plus, even if it flopped, I could easily go back to being a waitress," she said with a laugh. "Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a waitress."

"Why do you say that?" David asked.

"I like the spontaneity of working with people.  You never know who will come into the store or be seated in your station when you work in retail or restaurants -- R&R gigs, I call them.  There's something so energizing about that," Evelyn said wistfully.

"So why don't you go back to R&R gigs then?" David asked.

Evelyn waved her hands around.  "And give up all of this?" she joked.  "Honestly, I was basically homeless for a long time -- living with boyfriends or crashing at my friend Valerie's.  Working at Clear Windows gives me financial stability and a healthier lifestyle -- less running from this job to that job and all of that.  I get health insurance now," she added.  "Plus I can see a real place for me at this organization.  I can see myself standing side by side with Rosa on the editorial staff. I just have to put in my time and I know I'll get there."

David reached over and put a hand on her knee.  "I know you will, too," he said softly.

Evelyn felt her cheeks flush.  "What about you?" she asked.  "What kind of work do you do?"

David leaned in.  "We're not done talking about you yet," he said.

"We're not?" Evelyn asked.

David shook his head.  "I want to know if you still write poetry," he said.

Evelyn blinked at him.  "I do," she said.

David leaned in a little more.  He recited:

"For You"

Tonight I want you
to talk about you.
I'm here.  I'm in it.

I'm ready for this phase.
You are on the tilt,
close to a mechanical teeter,
so apt to sway on this fulcrum,
this pivotal point.
Both sides require you to fall.
I am here, though, here
for you -- standing, flat footed
on rock hard solid ground.
Look into my eyes
like you have so many times
and let yourself go.
I am here, I am here,
paced and leveled and anticipating.

Evelyn's jaw dropped as he finished speaking.  "I...  I can't believe you remember that," she squeaked.

David squeezed her knee and sat back up.  "You left this poem for me in my mailbox right after graduation," he said, as if she didn't fully remember.  "We were... breaking up around that time."

"I know," Evelyn said softly.

"It's a beautiful poem," he said, his eyes searching hers.  "Sad, but beautiful.  A call to action."  He leaned back in.  "I never gave you what you wanted back then," he said.  "I never really had this conversation with you.  Just a few days before we ran into each other..."

"...literally," Evelyn supplied.

David grinned.  "Right, literally...  Just a few days before, I found this poem in my room at my mom's house.  I wondered if I should look you up and see if you were in town.  But then you found me," he said.

"Yeah," Evelyn said.

"I'm sorry I couldn't just tell you about Evan and me or how confused my feelings were," David said.  "But that doesn't mean I didn't care about you -- that I didn't love you.  I was just..."

"An eighteen-year-old boy?" Evelyn supplied.

"Right," David said.  

"It's OK," Evelyn said.  "Because back then?  I was just an eighteen-year-old girl."  She shrugged.  "We only think we know ourselves and our place in the world when we're that young and that invincible."

David leaned back on the couch and patted the seat next to him.  "Come sit by me," he said.  "You're too far away."

Evelyn felt a little dizzy as she stared at his fingers spread on the cushion where he requested her body to be.  She thought about it for a moment and then got up and moved to the spot he indicated.  Their thighs were touching.  She watched him breath as he seemed to study her every movement.

"We're not kids anymore," she said quietly.  "You have a wife and son.  You have a mother who's dying.  You have a job and responsibilities."

David's hand moved to her thigh.  "And you have a big decision to make," he said just as quietly.

Evelyn felt her heart sink under the many layers of his simple statement.  "I do," she agreed.  "And I don't know that this is going to make any of that process easier."

David turned his body to face hers.  "Evelyn Jarrett, I want to make your life easier not harder.  I want to make your decision easier not harder.  I want to bring you into this moment in a way that feels easier and not harder."

She reached over and put a hand on his face.  "I know you do.  But the reality is that you're married and you will be going back to California eventually and I have no idea what my life may turn into over the next few weeks and months. If I decide to keep this baby then I will need to deal with Matty and I will need to figure out how to be a mom and I have no idea how to do either of those things.  If I decide not to keep the baby, I'll still have to deal with Matty and I have no idea if I'll feel guilty or regret my choice.  And the truth is...  As comfortable as I am in this moment, being here with you, right on the verge of..." She paused and bit her lip.

David spread his fingers wide on her thigh.  "Yes," he said.

"I just don't know if I can also handle this right now," she said, pulling her hand back and scooting an inch away from him.

David nodded.  "That's completely fair and I understand.  But the thing is, I have no idea how long I'll be out here with my mom.  My wife and my relationship is open.  So there is no reason, on my end, to think that if something should happen with you and me that it couldn't evolve into something really meaningful."

Evelyn's jaw dropped.  "You and your wife are poly?" she squeaked.

"Well, sure.  What did you think, that I was just a cheater?" he joked.

"Given what you confessed to me about you and Evan, I guess, yeah, I detected a pattern," she said.

David winced.  "I deserved that," he said.  

Evelyn shook her head.  "This is just a lot for me to process," she said.  "Maybe you should go."

David seemed to drink her in.

Evelyn watched him study her as if she was an intricate work of art.  She watched his nostrils as he breathed.  She wondered if she was still breathing and made herself take in a steady breath then let it out.  The more she paid attention to his breath, the more in-synch she felt with him.  

How long have we just been sitting here breathing, she wondered.

It was then that David leaned over and kissed her.  Immediately, she sank into the kiss -- she sank into him.  It felt like a return home, to be back in his embrace even after all these years apart.  That first kiss led to another -- and another.  Evelyn lost count after that.  She felt so loved and so comforted and so alive in these moments with David.  Had it been like this when they were together as teenagers?  Was this simply magic re-captured?  Her mind erased Matty and any other men who weren't David.

There was only David.

She let him know so, too.

***

Evelyn's alarm went off early the next morning.  She woke up, groggy, semi-amazed she had remembered to set it at all.  David had left just after midnight to get back to his mother and let the caregiver head home.  Even though he wasn't physically still there in her bed with her, she she felt him there.  She could smell him in her sheets and she could see the indent where his body had laid next to her for even that short while.  

"How did this happen," she muttered to herself, still half-drunk on the beauty of the previous night.  

She rolled over to stare at the ceiling, her hands resting on her abdomen.  Memories of waking up with Matty started to peek in as she fought off making a comparison between the two.  Matty certainly knew what he was doing in the sexual satisfaction department, though it was certainly different than how she felt now the morning after David's return to her bed.  With Matty, there was always this sense that Evelyn was a goddess -- his goddess -- his perfect female -- the one he could worship and dote on and elevate high up on a pedestal.  But with David, Evelyn felt like she was his equal, that they were on the same team, at the same level, going after the same goal: mutual enjoyment of their time together.  

Yet here she was, pregnant with Matty's child, not David's.  "If only things could be different," she mused out loud before closing her eyes to savor last night's bliss. Only when her snooze went off did she finally get out of bed and get ready for work.

***

At noon, Evelyn hurried out to the parking lot where Valerie was waiting in her car.  

"Hey, girl, hey," Valerie said as Evelyn climbed into the passenger's seat. 

"Hey yourself," Evelyn teased, buckling her seatbelt.

Valerie leaned on the steering wheel and eyed her carefully.  "You got laid," she said in a nearly accusatory fashion.

Evelyn all but giggled.  "I most definitely did," she said.

"Matty?" Valerie squeaked.

"Oh, god, no," Evelyn said.  "Although I did see him last night -- running into him might have been just the thing that got me laid, though."

"Tell me everything," Valerie said as she put the car in drive.

"Well," Evelyn said.  "Do you remember me telling you about a guy named David Morrison?"

"David Morrison, David Morrison, David Morrison..." Valerie mused.  "Name sounds familiar..."  Suddenly, she turned to Evelyn.  "Isn't he the one who blew off Evan's funeral?"

Evelyn felt her thrilling news drop a few degrees.  "Well, yes," she said.  

"You slept with him?" Valerie asked.

"So, listen," Evelyn said.  "He was my first real boyfriend in high school"

"Didn't you, like, lose your virginity to him?" Valerie asked.

"Sure did," Evelyn confirmed.  "We dated off and on sophomore through senior year and then broke up right after graduation because we were going to different colleges and whatnot..."

"And then Evan died and he stopped showing up," Valerie added.

"I mean, yes," Evelyn said.  "Anyway, I hadn't seen him in years and then I ran into him at the grocery store the other night.  He lives in California now but his mom's sick so he's in town for awhile.  We decided to meet up last night."

Valerie pulled into the parking lot of Carmichael's Deli where they were having lunch.  After finding a spot and putting the car in park, she eyed Evelyn for a moment before turning the car off and getting out.  Evelyn followed suit, trailing after her into the restaurant.  The waitress waved at them to sit wherever they wanted so Valerie led the way to a table over near the window.  Once they were both seated, Valerie leaned forward.

"So you decide to meet up with this guy who fucked you over in high school, abandoned your entire friend group when one of your friends died, and then ten years later, you meet up with him to hang out and, what, talk about old times?" she asked.

Evelyn swallowed hard.  "It's not exactly like that," she sputtered.

"So what's it like then?" Valerie asked, leaning back now and folding her arm across her chest.  "Because I remember how upset you were, especially at David's disappearance back then.  Don't you remember?"

Evelyn felt her insides start to crumble.  "It was a really hard time in my life when Evan died," she said after a moment.  "I was upset, yes."

"But specifically at David. You really expected him to show up and he didn't," Valerie said.  "Did you even ask him about that?"

Evelyn felt a surge of power with the question.  "Actually, I did ask," she said.  "He..." Evelyn paused and lowered her voice.  "He told me that he and Evan had an... affair, I guess.  They were hooking up," she fumbled. 

Valerie's jaw dropped.  "And you believed that?" she gasped.  "C'mon, Ev."

Evelyn felt a nervous swish in her gut.  "Why would he lie about something like that?" she asked.

"Because Evan was gay and he's dead and this guy can say whatever he wants," Valerie said.

"I don't think he was lying," Evelyn said.

"Why?  Because you're so good at telling when people are lying?" Valerie scoffed.

Evelyn was taken aback.  "Did I... do something wrong?" she asked.

Valerie softened.  "What do you mean?" she asked.

"You're kind of being cunty right now," Evelyn said meekly.  "What's up?"

Valerie held up her hands, just as the waitress approached them with waters.

"Do you two know what you want?" the waitress asked, unperturbed by their demeanor.

"Ruben on rye with a pickle and potato chips," Valerie said.

"Turkey melt with pasta salad for me," Evelyn said.

The waitress scribbled on her notepad and walked away without ever having looked at either of them.

"Seriously, Val, what's your problem?  You're barely even listening to me.  You're just jumping to these conclusions and making me feel like an asshole," Evelyn said.

Valerie shrugged.  "I'm not trying to be anything but me," she said.  "And right now what I am is tired of being in the middle of all your bullshit."  She paused and leaned in again.  "I know you saw Matty last night because he texted my phone like twenty times about it.  Was he drunk?"

"He seemed to be very drunk," Evelyn confirmed.  "He was with Anne," she added, as if Anne were really the one who should have been in-charge of Matty.  "What did he text you about?"

"How he saw you at a bar and how much he still loved you and how he wanted me to get you to take him back.  All this shit.  I had my phone turned off until this morning so it was pretty wild turning it back on and seeing....an avalanche of Matty," Valerie said.

"I don't know why he keeps texting you and bothering you and me," Evelyn said weakly.  "I saw him for all of three minutes last night."

Valerie nodded.  "Well, that seemed to be enough for him to lose his fucking mind," she said.  "So, anyway, running into Matty is what got David back to your apartment?"

"Yes," Evelyn confirmed.  Her mind was racing with the fact that David was married and poly -- was he even poly?  Would Valerie believe he was poly?  "He came over and we got to talking..."

"...and then skipped straight to fuckin'," Valerie supplied.

"You could tell the story that way, sure," Evelyn said.  

"So," Valerie said curtly.  "How was it?"

Evelyn took in a deep breath and then sighed as she stared out the window.  "It was the best night of my life," she deadpanned.

***

Evelyn opted to walk home from the office at the end of her workday instead of take the bus.  She felt a bit like she'd been shot out of a cannon after all of the events of the last twenty-four hours.  Her lunch with Valerie lingered on her mind as she walked along, trying to understand why her friend had reacted the way she did.  

"You gotta get Matty off my back," was all she'd said when she dropped Evelyn back off at work.

That was the only hint she'd really provided, outside of her general disappointment in Evelyn's decision-making skills.

When she was about two blocks away from home, she detoured into a neighborhood park and sat down on a bench.  There were a cluster of families -- mostly moms -- with children that seemed to range from toddler to pre-teen all playing on the playground equipment.  Evelyn tucked her feet up and reached into her bag for a notepad she always carried with her.  Resting it on her knees, she started to write.  She wrote about her general sense of insecurity, her fear about the decisions she had to make, her worry that Valerie might abandon her, her stress over what to do about Matty, and her self-doubt over what David had told her.  She wrote and she wrote and she wrote.  She filled pages with short phrases and starts of poems.  She sat there until the sun started to dip low on the horizon.  Then she closed her notebook and walked the rest of the way home.

In her apartment, she went immediately to the shower and set the intention of washing the day away.  But when she got out of the shower, dried off, and put on her most comfortable pair of pajamas, all she saw in the mirror was a sad, scared, frustrated woman who had no idea what to do with her life.

Sighing, she sat down at her computer to see if there was anything in her journaling that she could pluck for posterity.  But as she scanned the pages and pages of writing she'd done, all of it was gibberish.  None of it made sense.  And none of it was a fully realized idea.

"No wonder I'm so lost," she muttered out loud.

Her mind then wandered back to the day not long ago when she'd discovered her pregnancy.  At first, she'd wanted to deny it and bury it and pretend like it wasn't real.  But a voice within her had risen up, taken control, and told her to call Valerie and tell her the news.  So she'd obeyed the voice.  

Would there be another voice now to tell her what to do next?  

Evelyn closed her eyes and prayed for something or someone to save her.

***

Evelyn was lost in a sea of emails when a soft knock came on her office door.  The sound, gentle as it was, startled her as she said, "Come in!"

The door opened and in peeked her boss Rosa's head.  "Got a minute?" she asked.

Evelyn felt immediately calmer.  "Of course," she said, gesturing for her to enter.

Rosa closed Evelyn's office door behind her and then walked around the desk to perch on the edge.  She folded her petite arms across her chest and eyed Evelyn thoughtfully.  "How's everything going?" she asked in a tone that made it seem as if she knew that something was going on.

Evelyn froze for a moment and then sighed.  "Honestly?" she asked.

"Honestly," Rosa confirmed.

Evelyn slid her desk chair back and mirrored Rosa's folded arms.  "I'm having a few personal things that are weighing on me," she said.

Rosa nodded in a knowing way.  "I kind of suspected," she said.

"What gave me away?" Evelyn teased, happy that she had a boss who just seemed to get her.

Rosa shrugged.  "Your energy's been a little scattered," she said before immediately adding, "Not that your work has been off or anything."  She paused.  "Evelyn the Employee is doing her thing, no problem.  But I know Evelyn the Human and she seems... well... like she could use a friend right now."

Evelyn nodded miserably.  "It's been a tough couple of weeks," she said.

"Is this because of Matty?" Rosa asked, her face squinching up at the mention of Evelyn's ex.

She sighed again.  "It is but it's not but it is," she said with a weak laugh.

"Breakups can be tough," Rosa said.  "I know he saw a whole future for you two but I have to give you a lot of credit for knowing that wasn't what you wanted.  It's much harder to walk away like you did than just agree to someone else's terms for your relationship with them."

Evelyn smiled.  "Wonder where I got that strength from," she teased, thinking of her long discussion with Rosa mere days before Matty had proposed.

Rosa's laugh sparkled.  "You got it from yourself, sister, don't let anyone tell you differently."

"Maybe," Evelyn said.  "But you helped me clarify my issues with him in a way that no one really has been able to do before, so I thank you for your help."

"Of course," Rosa said.  "Before I met Adam, I kissed a lot of frogs.  So I get it."

Evelyn chuckled.  "There's always more frogs in the pond," she joked.

Rosa grinned.  "Why do I feel like you found yourself more of a prince then?" she asked.

"Well, I ran into an old... friend the other day," Evelyn shared.  "An ex, this guy I dated in high school.  He's back in town for a little while and we've been reconnecting."

Rosa raised an eyebrow.  "Really now?" she asked.

Evelyn nodded.  "But it's complicated," she admitted.

"How so?" Rosa asked.

Evelyn thought for a long moment about how to express this succinctly.  Finally, she blurted out, "I'm pregnant."

Rosa's eyes bugged out of her head.  "When did you run into this old friend exactly?" she gasped.

Evelyn laughed.  "No, it's not...  I'm not pregnant with that guy's baby," she explained.

Rosa's eyes detailed that she was doing the math.  "So....  it's Matty's?" she asked.

Evelyn nodded.  "Yes, and Valerie made me tell him about it... She made me tell him I was pregnant, even though I don't even know if I will keep this baby or... or not," she stuttered.

A serious calm came over Rosa as she nodded thoughtfully.  "Can I say something you might not want to hear?" she asked.

Evelyn chewed the inside of her lip.  "Sure," she said.

"Valerie didn't make you do anything," she said, sounding like the big sister Evelyn needed in that moment.  "You made the decision to tell Matty.  So own that, OK?"

Evelyn nodded miserably.  "You're right.  I shouldn't blame Valerie, even though she's very pushy," she said with an attempt at a sly grin.

Rosa laughed.  "She is.  But ultimately, you own your action steps, right?"

"Right," Evelyn sighed.

"So what did Matty do when he found out you were pregnant?" Rosa asked.

Evelyn rolled her eyes up to the ceiling as she tried to piece it together.  "He lost his shit," she said after a moment.  "He's been showing up places where I am and harassing Valerie and being a dick to his girlfriend..."

"He already has a new girlfriend?" Rosa asked.

"Yes, this woman Anne -- she really likes him, too.  I feel bad for her.  I didn't know she was in the picture until the day I told Matty about the... about my pregnancy," Evelyn said.

Rosa seemed to be processing all of the information.  "So you're dealing with a lot right now," she said after a moment.

"That's one way to put it," Evelyn said.

"What's another way to put it?" Rosa asked.

Evelyn thought for a moment. "I have decisions to make.  One really big one," she said, her hands automatically resting on her abdomen.

Rosa reached over and touched her arm.  "You're going to make the right decision," she said.

"How do you know?" Evelyn asked.

"Because every decision is the right decision -- it's the one that you made.  Everything in this life is about what we can learn from our experiences.  And you know what?  If you decide to keep the baby, you'll have support.  If you decide not to keep the baby, you'll have support.  No matter what you choose, you'll have support -- because you are deeply loved," Rosa said, her eyes locking with Evelyn's.

Evelyn felt a tear come to her eye.  "Thank you," she said, her voice barely audible.

Rosa pulled her to her feet and gave her a proper hug.  "You are deeply loved," she repeated, squeezing Evelyn tight.

"Thank you," Evelyn said again, melting a little in Rosa's embrace.

They stood like that for a good thirty seconds before they let go.

Rosa took a step back and seemed to be assessing Evelyn once more.  "I'm glad I responded to this gut feeling that I needed to come check in with you," she said.

Evelyn nodded appreciatively.  "I'm so glad you did," she said.  "I've been wanting to tell you but everything's been so out of sorts, I just didn't know how to approach you with all of this insanity."

Rosa smiled.  "I can understand why," she joked.

"Thank you for caring enough to check in," Evelyn said, slowly sinking back into her chair.

"Of course," Rosa said, making her way to the door.  "Just remember: any decision you make is the right decision.  Because why?"

Evelyn was used to Rosa's call-and-response technique.  "Because I am deeply loved," she confirmed.

Rose nodded curtly.  "That's right.  Now write that on a post-it and put it on your computer monitor or carry it in your pocket or make it your mantra-of-the-moment," she instructed. 

Evelyn reached for her stack of post-its.  "Will do," she said as Rosa quietly exited her office.

I am deeply loved she wrote on one post-it.  I will make the right decision, she wrote on another.

Posting them both on the bottom of her computer screen, she went back into her inbox, murmuring "I am deeply loved" in a loop for the better part of the afternoon.

***

Evelyn pressed the doorbell and leaned a palm against the frame of Valerie's front door.  She couldn't count how many times she'd ever shown up unannounced over the years, but this time felt like something massive was riding on Valerie welcoming her in.  As she counted the seconds until the door opened, all she could think about was how off-kilter it made her to be in a tiff with Valerie.  It made her uneasy in a way that was unlike any other feeling.

"Auntie Ev!" squealed a tiny voice.

Just then Evelyn turned to see Valerie's daughter Rainy running around the side of the house with her arms wide for a hug.  Evelyn turned and crouch down on the porch just in time to catch the tiny child.

"How's it going, Brainy Rainy?" Evelyn asked into the top of Rainy's head.

"Good," Rainy confirmed, pulling back and jumping up and down.  "Wanna see what I drew at school today?" she asked.

Evelyn grinned and then noticed that Valerie had also rounded the house behind her daughter and was standing a cool five feet away, just observing.  

"Baby, why don't you go in and see what Grandma is doing," Valerie instructed.

Rainy nodded enthusiastically and scurried inside, yelling, "GRANDMA, MOM WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING!"

"There's no need to yell, child," Evelyn heard Valerie's mom reply.

"You'd think a half-deaf woman would appreciate a little volume," Evelyn said, an attempt at humor.

That earned a tiny smile from Valerie.  "Wanna stay for dinner?  Marc's grilling brats," she offered.

"Sure," Evelyn said, sitting down on the front step.  

Valerie came over and sat next to her, automatically leaning her head on Evelyn's shoulder.

"I'm sorry things have been so chaotic lately," Evelyn said.  "I know my choices impact other people and I'm not trying to make your life harder.  I don't know why Matty won't just leave you alone.  I'm planning on talking to him, too."

Valerie left her head on Evelyn's shoulder.  "I overreacted," she said simply.  "I wish I had a better excuse than regular old life stress, but I don't.  I guess when you started talking about David, it just triggered me.  I know your life isn't, like, easy, but it's so...." She paused and wrinkled her nose as she turned to look Evelyn in the eye.  "So, don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes your life feels like college drama to me.  I've got this house and a mortgage and a husband and a kid and a mother who refuses to go to her own home and so she's always underfoot.  I feel like I'm in this rat race -- and every time I talk to you, you've got some exciting new fire to put out.  It makes me feel weird, honestly."

Evelyn eyed Valerie thoughtfully.  "I appreciate your honesty, Val, but my life is also an adult life.  There isn't only one way to be an adult.  I'm just living one day at a time like everyone else."

Valerie nodded, her gaze swinging towards the ground.  "I'm sorry I was an asshole earlier," she said.  After a pause, she raised her eyes back to meet Evelyn's.  "Can I get a do-over on you telling me about David?" she asked.

"MAMA, DAD SAYS DINNER IS READY!" Rainy yelled from somewhere in the house.

Evelyn and Valerie burst out laughing. 

"Tea after dinner, perhaps," Evelyn offered with a wink.

***

After Marc took a drowsy Rainy up to bed and Valerie's mother Augusta finally was convinced it was OK for her to go home for the night, Valerie and Evelyn sat down at the now-clean kitchen table with actual cups of tea.

"Tea for the tea," Valerie had joked as she slid the mugs in front of them.

Evelyn stared into her cup for a moment.  "You ever had tea leaves read before?" she asked.

Valerie shook her head.  "I don't do that kind of nonsense, you know that," she said.

"Right, of course," Evelyn said.  "I haven't, either, but I was just wondering what the spirits or the universe or whatever might have to say in this moment."  She paused to suck in a deep breath that she exhaled steadily.  "Val, I made up my mind about what to do."

Valerie blew the steam off her cup of tea.  "You have?" she asked.

Evelyn nodded.  "I think I always knew my decision.  And I think you did, too," she said.

Valerie sat up straight.  "You're keeping the baby?" she squeaked.

Evelyn nodded again as tears came to her eyes.  "Yes, I'm keeping the baby," she confirmed.

Valerie jumped from her seat and threw her arms around Evelyn.  "This is major," she said.

Evelyn squeezed Valerie tightly.  "I'd say so.  I'm scared shitless.  But I know this is the right thing to do.  It's been the right thing to do ever since I found out I was pregnant," she said.

"Why'd you say you thought I knew you'd keep the baby?" Valerie asked, stepping back to assess Evelyn's reaction.

Evelyn laughed.  "You made me tell Matty," she said simply.  "You made me make it be real to people besides me and besides you -- and also pushed me to tell the scariest possible person to find out this news.  Not scary in that Matty is scary-scary, but Matty would be invested in a way that was just different than the average person.  Even different than you."

Valerie scoffed.  "As if.  I'd be way more involved in your child's life than Matty could ever dream of," she said with a wink. 

Evelyn grinned.  "I know you're teasing," she said, growing more serious.  "I know this will have big implications on Matty's life.  He'll want to be involved.  He'll want to co-parent.  And I will have to figure out what I want -- and what's best for this baby."

Valerie nodded thoughtfully.  "When are you going to tell him your decision?" she asked.

Evelyn sighed and sipped her tea.  "Soon," she said.  "Maybe even tonight.  Now that I've made it, I need to take action, rip the bandaid off, ya know?"

Valerie reached over and put her hand on Evelyn's arm.  "That's brave," she said.  "But also?  Do you want me to come with you?"

Evelyn shook her head.  "This is something I have to do on my own," she said, before adding, "Well, for us.  I'm going to mother this child and be a good example, starting now."

"No shame in having support," Valerie reminded her.

"I know," Evelyn said.  She thought of Rosa's words: I will make the right decision...I am deeply loved.  "Your support in this case will come through your wisdom, your encouragement, and your ability to know me so well and still love me so completely.  You'll be with me through my courage to face him.  I will show him that you don't control me -- that I am my own person.  That I can give myself the best advice possible.  That I am capable and I am strong."

Valerie smiled softly.  "Of course you are," she said.  "And you're exactly right: I am always with you, just as you are always with me."

"Thank god. Without the support of a friend like you, I might end up single and knocked up.  Oh wait..." Evelyn joked.

Valerie laughed.  "You're not single and knocked up," she corrected.  "You're a powerful woman making a powerful decision to be a mother.  And I, for one, am so thrilled for you -- and thrilled for Rainy, who has always wanted a sibling and this will be close enough."

Evelyn laughed, too.  "I considered that," she said.  "I'm not saying it was the reason I decided what I decided but it was a strong factor."

"There's nothing quite like chosen family," Valerie said, lifting her mug to cheers.

Evelyn reciprocated, delighting in the sound of the ceramic's clink.  "Amen to that," she confirmed.

***

Evelyn showed up at Moe's Diner fifteen minutes earlier than she told Matty to meet her.  He'd chosen the place -- maybe he had a shift starting after their breakfast chat.  Evelyn would have agreed to any place, so long as he had the illusion of being in control of their conversation.

"Hey, babe, how's tricks?" Meg asked, materializing by her booth with her pen and paper ready to take her order.

Evelyn grinned at her.  "Better than the last time you saw me."

Meg raised an eyebrow.  "That's good to hear," she said with a touch of singsong.  "What can I get ya?  The usual?"

"The usual would be great," Evelyn confirmed as Meg walked briskly away.

Evelyn stared at the table in front of her and tried to channel all of her yoga training into this moment.  Her heart was pounding in her chest.  Even though she and Valerie had practiced her telling Matty that she was keeping the baby, it was suddenly much scarier than she'd imagined.  

"Why didn't I just have Valerie come sit at the bar while I did this," she muttered, almost pulling her phone out to send her friend that SOS.

"Early I see," came an interrupting voice as Matty slid into the booth across from her.

Evelyn felt bile rise in her throat as her eyes widened.  She tried to assess him -- was he calm, was he drunk, was he looking for a fight?  All she could really know, though, was her intense anxiety to be in her human body in this human moment.

"Yes, bus schedule," she muttered, waving her hand.

"Sure," Matty said, seeing through her exaggeration.  "So... what's up?  Your text made it seem important."

Just then Meg was back with a glass of orange juice for Evelyn and a curious head tilt for Matty.  "What can I get you?" she asked a bit coldly.

"Coffee would be great.  And the Greek yogurt with strawberries and granola," he ordered, an extra-large smile on his face.

"Sure," Meg sighed as she walked away.

Evelyn eyed the interaction and gave Matty a look.  "What did you do to her?" she asked.

Matty shrugged sheepishly.  "I've been kind of an asshole lately," he said.  "To you, to Anne, to Meg, to everyone, really."

Evelyn felt a wave of guilt wash over her.  "That's probably at least a little my fault," she said.

"I am in control of my actions," Matty said.  

"Right," Evelyn said.

"So..." Matty prompted.

"So," Evelyn replied.  She took in a deep breath and said the words she and Valerie had rehearsed the night before.  "I've come to a decision about my pregnancy."  She paused, even though that wasn't what Valerie had thought she should do.  Just get the words out quickly, she'd advised.  But Evelyn couldn't help it.  She wanted to read what Matty hoped she'd say.  She wanted to be able to anticipate how to combat his response, whatever it might be.  But all he did in that split second was stare intently at her.  She continued, "I am going to keep the baby."

Matty's face broke out in a massive grin as he jumped to his feet and let out a whoop.  "HELL YEAH," he yelled, rushing to her side of the both to tackle her with a hug.  With her folded in his arms, he leaned over to kiss her, which made her push him back so hard he almost fell on the floor.

"I'm sorry," she said meekly as he steadied himself.  "Could you please return to your side of the booth and keep your voice down?"  She and Valerie had practiced for this exact moment.

Matty did as he was told.  "I'm sorry," he echoed.  "I'm just so excited to hear you're keeping our baby.  I was really worried that you wouldn't."

Evelyn felt her courage growing.  "I know you are against abortions," she said.  "I know that you've cut ties with people who've received abortions.  And I want you to know that I think that's disgusting and wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself."

Matty paled.  "I am allowed to feel how I feel about...  about...."

"Abortions," Evelyn supplied.  "And you're right -- you are.  But I am allowed to feel how I feel about how you feel."

Matty stared at the table.  "OK," he said.

Evelyn went on.  "I want you to know that I am not keeping the baby because I agree with your stance on abortions.  I believe every woman has the right to choose and that abortion care should be available to anyone who needs it.  I want you to know that I strongly considered getting an abortion and terminating my pregnancy.  And I want you to know that my decision to keep this baby was not in any way tied to you or your feelings about what I was going to do.  Is that clear," she said as a statement not a question.

Matty's gazed locked with hers.  "OK," he said.

"Good," Evelyn said.  "I also want you to know that I am planning on raising this child as a single mom.  You are welcome to be an involved father to our baby if that is what you want to do.  But I will have sole custody.  I will set boundaries.  And if you decide not to be part of this child's life or you challenge me on the boundaries I set, that will be your decision -- but since we are not married and will not be getting married, a court of law is more likely to side with the mother and also the one with the most steady source of income, which on both fronts here is me.  So don't push me."

"Evelyn, I'm not some enemy.  You don't have to talk to me like I am one.  I want to be a father.  I want to be involved.  I'm relieved to hear that you're open to that.  I know that this isn't the exact way I envisioned our future together, but if we're not going to get married, the next best thing is find a way to co-parent.  I can't promise I won't overstep your boundaries.  But I will do my best," Matty said.

Evelyn couldn't help but laugh at his raw honesty.  "Matty, you're a decent guy.  I know I broke your heart and that these past few weeks have been... tough.  But I do care about you and I know you'll be a good father and that you will be a great partner for some other lucky woman," she said, reaching across the table to take his hands.

Just then, Meg returned with their orders.  "What's this about?" she asked cynically.

Evelyn swung her gaze over to Meg.  "We're just making peace and making plans," she said.

Meg indicated back towards the bar when Anne was now standing, drying glasses.  "Is she involved in your peace and plans?" she asked.

Evelyn turned back to Matty and squeezed his hands.  "I hope so," she said.  "She really loves you."

Matty let go of Evelyn's hands and shrugged.  "Maybe," he said.  "If I ever get over you, then maybe."

Evelyn smiled softly at him. "For the sake of all of us, I hope you can get over me soon," she said.

The conversation meandered to updates about doctor's appointments and baby gear and the like while they ate their breakfast.  It made Evelyn remember why she'd been attracted to him in the first place -- he could really hone in on action steps and strategy and how to infuse spirituality and that yogic mindset into everything he did.  By the time she paid their tab, she felt even more sure that she'd made the right decision just but how fully enveloped in love she felt.  

Getting up from the booth, she pulled Matty into a friendly hug and said, "Thank you for being a good friend to me."

Matty smiled sadly at her.  "Of course," he said.  "Anytime," he added, waving over his shoulder as he headed over to the bar to talk to Anne.

Evelyn watched as he sat at the bar and leaned across to say something inaudible to Anne, who's worried face seemed to brighten the more he spoke.  She grinned and headed towards the door, pulling her phone out as she made her way outside.  Scrolling through her contacts, she found just the name she was looking for and hit the call button.

"Hey, David?  It's Ev.  What are you doing right now and can I come be part of it?" she asked, her laughter sparkling in his inviting response.

This story was written choose-your-own-adventure-style from April 1-April 30, 2023 as part of the Daily Writing Rewind 2023.  Thank you to the voters for changing the lives of Evelyn, Valerie, Matty, David, and the rest of the crew!