One day, I showed up at the ballpark to watch my favorite team, and the staff at the gate said my seats were being upgraded to sit in the dugout with the players. At first, I thought they were kidding because I'm typically the opposite of the luckiest guy you'll ever meet, but, what the hell, if they were beckoning me to follow, who was I to turn it down? So I'm walking along with the guy -- he told me his name was Bruno, like Bruno Mars, the singer? You heard of him? Anyway, this guy Bruno is walking me down to this tunnel I never even noticed before, even though I come to maybe forty games a season and have ever since this ballpark opened back in '94. I'm just walking along with Bruno down in this tunnel and I'm trying to, ya know, make small talk and whatnot but he seemed kind of distracted, so I didn't want to pester him. That is, until we got right to the path that was gonna take me up to the dugout and then Bruno turns to me and, you'll never guess what he said. He said, "Mister, I picked you out of the line because you look almost exactly like my Uncle Donny. No one loved this team more than my uncle Donny and it was actually him who was supposed to get this opportunity, but he had a heart attack and died last night." Bruno, my new buddy Bruno, he got a tear in his eye while he's telling me about his poor Uncle Donny and I patted his arm to comfort him, ya know, but all I could think was goddamnit, I've never been so happy to be a bald-headed bearded-man before this very moment. Uncle Donny, god rest ya! So, Bruno, he tells me that he got permission to have his Uncle Donny watch this game from the dugout with the team to celebrate his retirement or some situation like that and as it so happened, I also just retired, so me and Uncle Donny have that in common, too. Luckily, my ticker's a-tickin', and I been vegan for the last twelve years to make my wife Sheila happy so I don't think I'll drop dead like Donny did anytime soon, but, well, now I feel like I should knock on wood or something... Like I said, I'm not typically the luckiest guy you'll ever meet, so I don't want to put it out there in the Universe that I couldn't possibly fall over dead from a heart attack like Bruno's uncle Donny, but, well, let's just say it's more likely my cat would push me out of a window than I'd have a heart attack. You should see my cholesterol! So anyway, Bruno's all teary-eyed about his Uncle Donny while he's escorting me into the dugout and, I gotta tell ya, I almost did have a heart attack, right then and there, because you ain't never seen a view as pretty as this one. The smell of the grass! The bats all lined up and the batting helmets all arranged and everyone just going about the business of getting ready for the game. Bruno took me over to meet one of the coaches and explains who I am and all the coach said was, "Sorry about Donny," while he kind of eyed me like I was going to rob the place or something. Anyway, Bruno shows me where I can sit and shows me the secret bathroom and I'm just watching the TV guys get set up and the players start to meander in. They didn't really pay any attention to Bruno or me but that was OK. One or two came over to say hi and offer us some gum and, I mean, I don't chew gum normally but I did when a pro ball player handed some to me. I guess if he'd said it was cool to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, I'd've gladly done that, too, it was just that neat. Anyway, as the game started up, I pulled my radio out and turned on the broadcast -- with headphones because sometimes the radio guys rag on the players and I was just trying to be respectful -- and I gotta tell ya, it was just the most terrific time I ever did have at the ballpark. Bruno, he sat there with me all nine innings and when the game was over, he and I had become so buddy-buddy, I thought he was gonna start calling me Uncle Donny. Ha! Well, I'm kidding about that, but we did get to know each other and he accepted my friend request on Facebook so I guess you could say me and Bruno are pals now. It truly was just the best day I ever did have, and all because I kinda looked like a guy who dropped dead from a heart attack, poor bastard. I saw a photo of Uncle Donny sometime down the line and, truth be told, I don't think anyone would mistake us for the other but, hey, who am I to second guess Bruno's decision? After that day, grass never did quite smell the same to me, either. Just never did smell the same.
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